Something big happened last night, I think.

[LoneStarFree]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=680563&page=3&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1. This is the link to my sitch for those not up to date.

Last night I had a great talk with my WAW, I told her that I am not saying that I have changed, but that I am CHANGING and although I feel that I'm not the same person I was a month ago, I realize that I have a long way to go. I also told her that I would not try and talk her out of filing for divorce, but I wanted to let her know that I still love her very much and I want her and only her and I hope one day she will feel the same towards me, I said I know it is still early and I do not expect her to leap into my arms and tell me everything is ok. We talked abou the past and how we used to argue and I said that I am learning that the way I responded to you was inappropriate and I should have just listened to her instead of commenting. She really opened up to me about her feelings, and I said know matter how bad she thinks something she says will hurt me, I need to hear it, because I need to understand just how bad I hurt her.

She also let me give her a massage, this is the 1st time I've touched her in a month. I think letting me give her a massage is a good thing right?

[LoneStarFree]

Could someone please validate my thinking that her letting me give her a massage is a good thing, or at least burst my bubble?

[wishfulthinking]

It sounds like better than a good thing to me - it sounds like a great thing!! I almost ache for my H's touch - your W is very lucky, indeed and it sounds like a step forward for your relationship.
WT

[LoneStarFree]

Wishful, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have been longing to touch my wife,even if it was just an accidental brush against her hip. Thats why I feel last night was monumental, and I admit, I got aroused, mainly because I want her sooooo bad. I did tell her not to worry about my "arousal" but that when and if she is ever at the point that she needs intimate contact, I will be here.
I never realized just how important touching person you love, is, especially in a non-sexual nature. She is still telling me that she doesn't want me, but I'm still going to keep on keepin on and hopefully she'll change her mind.

[Trying24now]

Dustin,

Relationaship talks are usually a big NO NO especially while WA spouses are in defense mode...but, it sounds as if you pulled yours off quite well as it sounds as if you made a lot of "I" statements and kept the convo pretty focused on your shortcomings and desire to know her perspective on them so that YOU could change for the better.

The fact that she allowed you to give her a massage says that she felt 'good' hearing something from you that showed her that maybe YOU were finally 'getting it."

Now DON'T push it...drop it. Continue to allow her to see those changes through your ACTIONS. Be consistent. Don't persue. Let her sit with the info you've given and allow her to 'watch you like a hawk to see if your words are real."

And more importantly DON'T allow yourself to believe that this one good contact with her has broken the ice...because that will raise your expectations and hurt even more when you don't get the reaction you're hoping for.

While our spouses are 'lost in the fog'...they are apt to be UP one day and a complete ALIEN the next, so expect that.
T2

[LoneStarFree]

T2, you are a gem. Do you know that? I am glad you take the time to read my threads because your advice is valued. I will do as you say and try and not put any "pressure" on my wife and although I am ecstatic that she let me touch her, I will NOT let myself believe that the ice is broken, maybe it has a slight hairline fracture, but it is definatley not broken.

[Trying24now]

Dustin,

You said,

maybe it has a slight hairline fracture

EXACTLY!!!! That's an excellent analogy because EVERY postitive interaction is a "hairline" fracture that eventually breaks up the iceberg.

YOU my friend are going to do this, because you're one smart cookie that catches on very quickly!
T2

[LoneStarFree]

I really really hope so T2, I'll admit, I was walking on a cloud this morning,I want to thank you for bringing back to Earth. I will hopefully continue to put more hairline fractures and hope that one of these months or years, it breaks.

[rottzilla]

LoneStar, T2 gave you some VERY good advice, and from reading your threads, I know you will follow it.

I, too, think it was a great baby step, but that you shouldn't get your hopes up. I am a prime example of that. Get a few baby steps, and I lose my patience and progress.

You won't do what I've done, you will do it well. Good luck.

Also, just to let you know, the "arousal" thing, I was there once. Had an XBF who touched me while I was still angry. He offered be there for me "physically" whenever I wanted it. Said "No strings attached, just that there are so many diseases out there." I didn't say anything to him but "thanks" but I was totally creeped out. After all, I was leaving him.

Just my thoughts, not saying your W felt the same. But, if I were you, I may rethink saying anything so intimate next time. At least until the third or fourth massage.

[LoneStarFree]

I agree Rot. I only mentioned that I would be here for her in case she has a need because one, I wanted her to know that I wanted her,and two, because when I was giving her her massage in the beginning, we were standing up in our bathroom and I was kneading her shoulders and she was just wearing a shear nightie, and it had slipped down to expose her breasts, I noticed that her(and I will be blunt) nipples were erect, so I know she was responding to my touch, she was just not ready to show it. Of course I was also responding to touching her, but I will not push the matter, I just wanted to make sure she KNOWS that I want her, and only her.