OK, I've thought a lot about this today and talked it through with my pool playing buddy. As I've said I love these forums, and I love the people on them. Ginger, I'm lucky to have you following me on my sitch and offering support and talking through some of the things you've seen along the way. Yet I was put off with the whole "I have so much to say to you" as well as the conclusive tone of the post which made it feel to me you thought you were addressing someone that is hopelessly off track. In the end I have followed you long enough to know who you are so I was able to digest what you were saying and not make a mountain out of a mole hill.
The reason I bring this up is that it contains several of the moving parts in which I am giving a lot of thought. Those are expectations, focus, self-criticism, and third party boundaries.
Expectations are the first part. What am I expecting from the world around me? When I talked to my friend I found it was interesting how expectations were similar to having 'covert contracts'. After some discussion I could see that at times I have some trace of a contract in which I am really hard on myself and in turn expect validation and sensitivity from others.
For example, I am a model employee. I have a deep desire to receive positive feedback. As a result I drive myself very hard to exceed all expectations. I constantly challenge myself and every part of my performance and demand that I do the absolute best I can. Among other reasons one of my ideas is that if I am tougher on myself than the person I work for then they will be pleased with my results and have nothing but good things to say.
The problem is that isn't always possible. There are managers out there that will be constantly critical. Talking of focus, they focus strictly on the gap between my performance and perfection, and overlook the reality of my accomplishments and contributions. Those types of people exist. So how do I handle that?
When if I have a secret contract full of expectations that says "hey, I'm supposed to bleed for you and all but kill myself doing my best, and you're supposed to be grateful", well, I will feel disappointed and betrayed. This leads to thoughts about how that boss is a jerk, and can lead to resentment as well.
When I lose the expectations from someone else it all changes. I can answer to myself, look in the mirror, and know where I came short, and where I played well. This ties in with the last piece, boundaries. In essence I can be my own boss, and just accept that my boss is simply a person I report to, nothing more. This doesn't mean I dismiss feedback, it just means that I don't delegate my self worth to someone that might not take the same care of it that I would want.
The last part of this is that one of the problems with the 'be so hard on yourself that others can't' is that at times I am too hard on myself. Because it does involve focusing on the never ending gap between reality and idealized perfection.
I have gotten much better at this in my life. Probably comes from a childhood trying to win approval from a father that was impossible to please. Whatever. It is still a big part of me, but I've at least become aware of it, and I've learned some tools to manage through it. These days I do a good job navigating through other people's opinions at work, and certainly when I shoot pool the choir of sideline experts are now nothing more than static background to me. Yet I know this is something I need to continue to work on in my relationships.
Because I didn't necessarily conquer the issue, I just move it around. Like deep down I am trying to win the approval of others. I tried with pool by becoming a champion, that didn't work. I tried in my profession, that certainly doesn't work either. And finally I tried in my marriage, and that failed miserably as well. All of the expectation was too much.
So back to the forums. I realize I have done the same thing here. I cannot allow people on the DB forums to define how I feel I am doing, not because they are anything less than stupendous, but because that is a job for me alone. I've touched this many, many times, but if I'm not careful it goes away and I slip back into old habits.
KML, if you're reading I apologize for my abrasive retort. Hopefully this helps understand why I overreacted. XW is trying hard to push buttons and hit nerves. It's the same thing. For 18 months I have conducted myself almost beyond reproach, yet her communications are perpetually laced with criticism and condescension. Which is really absurd considering her decisions and hypocritical as the things she's chosen to attack me on are trivial compared to the nature of her continued attacks. I have had to put up strong boundaries and detach a lot which has not been easy. Being told her spew was true definitely triggered me. But all that said, that has nothing to do with you. You are just a good person trying your best to help from the view you were in, and you definitely don't deserve to be rebuked for that. I am sorry for that.
Today I had a good day. I played some pool, in fact I won a pool tournament which is always cool. It is very fun for me, that game of pool. Watched an episode of Dr House with my mom and had a nice breakfast. Then watched some chess before calling it a night. And of course a good talk with my friend, and some good reflection. And I won today's fight, I am deeply satisfied with who I am. There is always a reflexive part of me that wants to chime in with 'but but but' and point out where I can improve, but I am laughing that off. This post is proof I haven't lost my drive to improve, I thought about it all day, and am posting at 5AM my time when I woke up, so no critical self, I'm not complacent. But despite my humanity, I am, at least in this moment, satisfied with who I am, appreciative of the things I have been blessed with, and have been rewarded with some good times. Take care DBers!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
