Shelob's Lair

[Zues126]

Happy birthday!

Although I am happy with where I am and that is not reframing, but an honest appraisal of the difference in my life from before BD, I do still get angry with the garbage Mr. Fantastic pulls. He upended my life and our children's lives in as hurtful a way as he had the b@lls to do, and regardless of what I want wrt relationships in my life, betrayal hurts. So I can't make a big enough gulf between him and me. Every time he tries to bridge it, I feel compelled to reinforce that gulf again. This p!sses him off no end and every so often he'll send me a three page diatribe about how he's just trying to be the good guy here.

Is that the dynamic between you and XW? Only magnified like a thousand times because she's way more toxic and involved than Mr. Fantastic, and because you are so resentful of the financial situation?

I personally wanted to be in a relationship because I crave intimacy, because I want to feel like what i offer as a human being is useful to another adult, and because to me it's an opportunity to grow beyond what I ever thought my life would be like. If a relationship doesn't serve those needs for you, or there isn't enough of you left to invest in another person at the moment, then I for one say, wait until you have something to offer that you WANT to offer. The heck with what other people think you should want. If you follow their opinions you will become the WH and I doubt that's who you want to be.

FWIW, you have always struck me as a person with a person with a very strong need to control your environment. For whatever reason. You're being called to submit to a lack of control -- I have no doubt that would be difficult for you and leave you feeling drained and angry. Does it matter much if that's hard-wired or a response to your environment? You're in a fight-or-flight situation at the moment, without the flight option. I say, learn how to manage it until the situation is resolved and then dive into the origin question.

What can you do to relax and calm yourself? Prayer, meditation, yoga, a hard run? Where can you find some flow in a way that doesn't amp up your adrenaline? You need a break, Zues.

Wishing you the best...

Hey MB! Yes, I think the dynamic is similar. I don't think it's necessarily magnified, I think similar is correct. It's one of those illusions caused by the fact that I only post when I overcome my inertia, and we tend to focus on our feelings about D here, so it could seem that it's more overwhelming than it is. The fact is that XW is rarely on my mind, her emails to me just make me laugh (I've literally laughed off dozens like this without sharing), and I don't carry much resentment around with me day to day, and while I am disgusted by the rampant divorces and the impact on others I can see that dying down as I extract myself from the midst of it and further distance from XW and the life she has chosen for herself.

I can see how controlling could fit in. Controlling at the surface has a negative connotation, but in light of my previous example (the one where I can't walk down the street because I don't want to be bumpted into) it makes some sense. In that example maybe instead of just walking out the door, I'd check first to make sure it wasn't too crowded. Or I'd want to plan a different route to be safe. Etc. This would seem neurotic to most people, but only to those with the luxury of not being impacted to the same degree. Maybe things disturb me more than other people, and so my distancing seems extreme. For me I just don't want to get hurt anymore.

Part of this could just be sensitivity after the wounds of divorce. Maybe in a year or two I am not so sensitive. I'm trying to remember how I was pre-BD and it's not easy. I really avoided my emotions and tried to just focus on pool and work. These are closed environment games, and I feel safe. I think that's it Maybell, I don't know that control resonates with me (although it overlaps), I think it's about feeling safe. I feel safe when I play pool.

As for taking a break, you are spot on. I'm ready. In August I have some vacation planned. The first time in several years. I am taking my kids camping next weekend, then I have a week long pool trip in Vegas. In the middle of a lot of stress (court date 9/1, working my tail off while still setting up interviews in case my job doesn't work out, etc) I have to take a break. It's not easy for me because I feel perpetually like I need to push harder, harder, harder, until I make it all work, but at some point I have to realize I am only human, I can't force something, and if I am in a role so difficult I can't take a weekend off with my family then I shouldn't be in that role.

Last night I saw Jason Bourne, I knew it would be cheesy, but that was perfect. I got together with my friend, watched the movie, then played some pool. Pool makes me happy. Now I'm going to go play a little more pool. Tomorrow I can get some work done, next week will be a grind, but for today I'm going to relax. You should see what I can do with the cue ball Maybell. I can make it travel 3 and 4 rails and stop on the speck of lint on the table I was looking at, landing perfectly for my next shot, running table after table that looked almost impossible by finding the only way through the hurdles. It makes me happy. It may not be a practical skill, but it does make me happy.