My wife walked out 4

[Ginger1]

^^^^^^^ What coconut said!!!! Exactly!

Who do think is scolding you? Us or your W?

[RSG]

Cnut, I'm trying not to be an ahole. Honestly. You and CBT have been a big help in particular. If nothing else, this site will have helped me get through a D without having a complete breakdown.

Sometimes I may not explain things well enough. However, I don't do much to get a reaction from W. Because when I do, I know the result will be either seething anger or tears. When I wonder about what she's doing, I just let it flow through and don't spend any more time on it.

I do have a hard time moving past things. She asked "What's your appointment for?" and I just dance around it. She's very persistent, but I'll just tell her I'd rather not discuss.

That's a good idea about updating her. Something important, or just let her know I'll keep her up to date after bed. After I read this, I let her know he had a good day, a good morning and was fantastic on our little outing to Target. I did that as I didn't let her know last night. It made me feel better about keeping my word.

I'll just do a better job of letting her know how I'd like to do things, but let her know I will keep her up to date. And be more direct about the things I'm comfortable talking about.

I know I'm making strides. But, much like CBT, patience is killing me.....

[CT1118]

RSG -Hang in there my man. So creepy how we line up in the sitch.I think you are holding up well though - this is a confusing place and we are in confusing times.

You sell yourself short on one thing though - this site is not here to help you get through a divorce. This site, and the DR/DB books in my opinion, exist to make you a better person. You are better now than you were, you are not as better as you will be. If a D comes - you will get you through it because you did not lie down in the road crying and die. You did not run through the town telling everyone your WW needs a big A on her chest. Take comfort in that. You are proactive, not reactive, and most people are so f-ing lazy that they immediately let their ego take the wheel and commit R suicide in the name of "blank n blank cheated on me!". Yeah someone cheated, it hurts, its a betrayal, makes us mad like hell but it is statistically normal for that to happen around our age in our society. The theme to all of our problems is not some else getting into or on top of our spouses - its the MF-ing lying. If our main issue was the AP sex, we would not be here - it would be OVER. That ain't you. You are a fighter, and not a fighter for your WW but for yourself. I think most of us at least love our WW as much as they are able to be great mothers to our children. Here with you, still in the fight.

[SH_]

RSG,

I apologize if my thoughts frustrated you.
Not my intent.
My intent is that I know and still live the challenge of detaching, and try to share advice and sound principles with others while implementing myself so we can be happy and do the best we can in a difficult situation.
This is key to progress whether we are able to R our MR or go through a D.

I perceived in what you are sharing that you were reacting to her and trying to decide your next actions based on how you think she may react.

Have you worked with a DB coach?
I did early on and advice that I was given to help me was to not make decision with my WAW's filter on.
This helped me in personal decisions, it helped me in decisions when under fire from her wrath during explosive reactions to many things.
He further clarified that detaching was not ignoring her, nor discounting her when making decisions. He used an example for offering to assist her with finances as she was struggling with theses when she decided to leave me and the family. He advised that I make the offer in a loving manner like I would with my sister. This way no expectations. If she accepted the help, the I could be kind and help her. If she did not accept it, I would not be hurt at being turned down and I could just leave it at that. If she blew up and told me to go to hell, then I would not take it any more personally than I would with my sister.
Decisions without her filter on is key to detaching and focusing on ourselves and fixing our own shortcomings.

I will back off from sharing more advice if it is not helpful, as that is my only goal. So many helped me during some dark times and continue to support me now. I choose to pay the same kindness forward. But only if it can benefit and help others as it did for me.
Be well RSG, the road is a long one, but there is beauty along the way to be cherished.

[RSG]

Thanks man. I'm trying my damned best.

I do think I'm more confident than I was at anytime this year, and I continue to work on myself. When I told her I'm doing fine I meant it. I can live as a single Dad, and be happy with my little boy. Funny you mention the A, the Scarlett Letter came to mind pretty quickly. Hawthorne was onto something there! I think we'd be disgusted by society if people had to show that.

The issue for me is/was def the lying. My changes seem to have caused WW to pause in her tracks and take stock of her decisions, and I know if I get distracted by that I lose in every way. One thing that did disgust me was WW essentially quit being a mother, but I'm noticing the normal Mommy I respected is coming back.

SH, no I haven't called a coach but I started seeing a counselor last week. My next appt is Tuesday and I look forward to it. My decisions aren't based on any sort of reactionary game, but I'm working on my anger. I'm better at listening to the voice inside me that says don't let it out, but I still find myself thinking ugly thoughts based on everything that has happened. I'm not an ogre. I sympathize with the health issues she has developed, but I know they only exist because of the choices she's made.

I appreciate the well wishes, it's just I get so frustrated when I feel like I'm getting pulled in different directions. I am pushing forward, but it's always a struggle. Whether it's my S asking where's Mommy, situations with him in which I'd love a 2nd person, having people say at work "Oh, you're married right?" and so on I know I'm still in pain. I'm working on me. I'm more polite, try to be more of a glass half full person (seemingly in every situation but this one lol), enjoy every moment possible with S, try to do things when I can, clean up the house more, etc etc.


As for the rest of today, not much happened. Great day w/S. He had a good visit to Target and a fun morning. He had a little iPad time today after nap, and then we went to the pool. We had fun playing, as we had it all to ourselves. When it was time to go, he listened well, ate well tonight and he put himself to sleep. I told W he had a great day, and she said thanks and appreciated the update. I gave her my word that I'd continue to update her nightly, and she said thank you. That's not to appease her. Yes, she's his Mommy and deserves to know what's going on. But it's for me as a man, to keep my word and stick to an agreement. I'm angry and disappointed at her for lying. If a man doesn't keep his word, what does he have??

Anyway, goodnight friends!

[lt0402]

If a man doesn't keep his word, what does he have?

100% this. You're doing a great job in an awful situation RSG. Stick to your integrity and self respect. Glad you had a great day with S!

[CT1118]

How you holding up today man?

[RSG]

Good day. Kiddo has exhausted the hell out of me, but we're having lots of fun. Did an hour at the park this morning. It was scorching, and there's never cover at these places, but the little guy was in heaven for the most part. He freaked out because he couldn't run around the little skate ramps, but we were able to move past that.

Wanted to do the pool this afternoon, but when it hit around 3:30 the skies started to get gray. We went to the store around 4 for milk and snacks and he did great. How appropriate that it started raining on our way back from the store!

WW called before we left for the store. Apparently a therapy bill I paid wasn't received prior to their deadline and there was a $15 late fee. I said send the bill to me, I'll talk to them and take care of it. "Don't worry about any money, I'll take care of it." She got snippy and said she wasn't going to send me anything anyway. WTF lol. He's been doing therapy for a year. This is the 2nd bill she's contributed to, so NOW cost is a big deal. HAHAHAHA. All I can do is laugh, rather than get POed.

She then mentioned she'd send me a link for a new pediatrician as our current one is becoming too large and we never see the same Dr twice in a row. I agree a change is best, but I feel like she's TELLING me who we're going with rather than asking me. I'll look at it and do a little research.

She said send me an update tonight, rather than asking or being appreciative about what I said yesterday. I just said ok. We traded goodbyes and that was it.

Very business like. I was polite and didn't react to what I perceive(d) as her giving me orders. Tonight I'm going to sweep up, and do some exciting clothes folding after little guy goes to bed.

[CT1118]

Clothes folding is important. If I lived without S4 in my life I might be in a tent and pushing a stolen shopping cart through the alley. Clothes folding matters, glad you see it. Stay on course man. Its silly how little the money is understood - i begged WW for years to pay attention to the accounts and how our cash flow worked, now I hear about how bad WW is with money and all I can do is quote Wonka - "I'm sorry you feel that way"...

Sounds like you won the day. The son's are amazing for us, are they not? I'm not pretending they do not feel hurt through this,as young as they are, but they will know one day who fought and who didn't, and we will not have to explain.

[cbtdad]

RSG!! My friend. I've been staying in tune with your sitch even though I haven't posted in a few days. I'm gonna give you a few 2x4's so please know that I do it with the best intentions:)
You have got to stop mind reading!!! So much of what is happening is because you are doing things still or not doing things to get a reaction out of your WW. You don't have to admit it, but that is whats happening. I've been there buddy. You like to text her back and you like that she text you for updates. But it's not healthy right now.
Look man, I know its hard. I got a head start in my first situation then you did. I didn't come on this board till a couple months after I had already been physically separated. Then it still took me a month or so to "drop the rope"
You will get there, but you need more space. You need to do what everyone is suggesting and tell her you need the space.
I really like the "I will let you know if there is a problem otherwise assume that he is good hands with his father". And you need to assume that he is in good hands with his mother while she has him
I know this is so difficult with a young child. Our son was 3 when we first separated, so I get it.
But why don't you really give a whirl for 2 weeks with minimal contact and see what happens. See how you are able to handle that. See how she handles it. Because if y'all divorce this wll be a lot longer than 2 weeks anyways.

Going back to one of your posts that you asked how to handle things
You get know transparency in to her life right now, that is just fact. She gets none in yours. It goes both ways
You have zero say about OM and updates on your S. I know this is tough to hear, but true
Forget FB. Don't even follow her. If she wants to follow you then great. But remove following her on her feed and don't check
It will make your life a whole lot better

You have made SO MUCH progress buddy, but you are still so early into this. Your patience is getting better and you seem to realize that there isn't a quick fox. So understanding that, take it to the next level. That's my suggestion
Hang in there! it will get better either way
That I promise as long as you DB for you and not to win her back