Although I am happy with where I am and that is not reframing, but an honest appraisal of the difference in my life from before BD, I do still get angry with the garbage Mr. Fantastic pulls. He upended my life and our children's lives in as hurtful a way as he had the b@lls to do, and regardless of what I want wrt relationships in my life, betrayal hurts. So I can't make a big enough gulf between him and me. Every time he tries to bridge it, I feel compelled to reinforce that gulf again. This p!sses him off no end and every so often he'll send me a three page diatribe about how he's just trying to be the good guy here.
Is that the dynamic between you and XW? Only magnified like a thousand times because she's way more toxic and involved than Mr. Fantastic, and because you are so resentful of the financial situation?
I personally wanted to be in a relationship because I crave intimacy, because I want to feel like what i offer as a human being is useful to another adult, and because to me it's an opportunity to grow beyond what I ever thought my life would be like. If a relationship doesn't serve those needs for you, or there isn't enough of you left to invest in another person at the moment, then I for one say, wait until you have something to offer that you WANT to offer. The heck with what other people think you should want. If you follow their opinions you will become the WH and I doubt that's who you want to be.
FWIW, you have always struck me as a person with a person with a very strong need to control your environment. For whatever reason. You're being called to submit to a lack of control -- I have no doubt that would be difficult for you and leave you feeling drained and angry. Does it matter much if that's hard-wired or a response to your environment? You're in a fight-or-flight situation at the moment, without the flight option. I say, learn how to manage it until the situation is resolved and then dive into the origin question.
What can you do to relax and calm yourself? Prayer, meditation, yoga, a hard run? Where can you find some flow in a way that doesn't amp up your adrenaline? You need a break, Zues.
Wishing you the best...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
