Yes, lots of back and forth. Interesting couple days here.
Thursday she called me because the place she took her car was trying to tell her a bunch of things were wrong and charge her $800. I told her she needed to do a search for a foreign repair shop and take it somewhere else. I asked if she wanted me to take care of it and so I found one called and got her all set up to go in. The guy was super nice and told me he sees this a lot. She took it in and there was nothing wrong with it and he didn't charge her anything. We had another set of nice interactions afterwords thanking me for helping her.
Yesterday w was acting weird. Very short on the phone to let me know about coming and then told me I could put an app on my phone to track them on their trip, I said idt that is necessary (how strange, hmm is she tracking me?). I had planned on taking the kids to a carnival today but they were super pumped and s sounded sad not to go when they got here. On the way w put s on the phone to tell me where they were and when she got closer she texted to ask me what I told him about it even though I know she heard. I told her I planned on tomorrow but they were excited. I asked if she would like to go and she said she would love to.
When they got here she looked awful. She got cleaned up and we all went and had a good time and joked around, and had a few good laughs but I could see it was like a switch flipping on and off in her, I could literally see it in her look. It was a nice night.
At one point I mentioned her weekend plans and she asked how I knew. I told her she told me when we talked earlier in the week. She couldn't remember telling me. She was texting a little and disappeared for a little bit, hmm. Before we left to go I told her she could stay in the guest room so she didn't have to drive home late. She said she'd think about it. Things seemed good until we got home, then I could really see the pain on and off in her face. She was trying not to cry and left somewhat abruptly and made up an excuse about needing to go home. She left for her drive after midnight. I told her the room was there and I was worried but didn't press it I also told her to go to her friends and she said she'd be mad if she woke her to stay. Okay then, not a friendly thing to do....but I didn't say anymore.
An hour and half later she texted and told me thank you for offering to let her stay but that she couldn't because she read the awful things I wrote on the legal forms for custody about her being a bad person and a heinous mother. Of course I didn't write the things she thinks but that's what she got out of it. I wrote about her actions, how they were unstable, the OM, how I'd been on my own with the kids a lot, etc. (they are not easy questions to answer and are geared for one parent seeking sole custody, likely in a bad position, and not for a situation where shared custody should be in place, I imagine her lawyer got some new info too). I told her I didn't think of her that way and I would always be grateful for her and our time together.
Idk if it was good but we ended up talking on the phone. I could really feel how depressed she was, the things I wrote were true and she couldn't deny them; however, she is still trying to justify them. I think seeing them in writing and with the guardian attorneys recommendation coming up it piled up on her.
I assured her I didn't think she was a bad person or mother but didn't let her off the hook for her actions, I told her those things did happen and I didn't ask for any of it. She tried to defend them, lessen them saying it wasn't a common occurrence (I didn't tell her I kept a journal), I listened but didn't validate. It was crazy, poor me stuff (e.g. what was I supposed to do drink and drive? I had to stay at a friends. He only gave me emotional support until later on, how is that an affair? You wanted me to go out with friends, history rewriting, etc). I could hear the pain and confusion, she just doesn't get how her actions were wrong. She asked how I thought she put the kids in a questionable environment and I told her about her starting an affair with om while living in my home and how he can't have their best interests in mind in doing such, that those are the actions of a broken person, and now she has introduced the kids to him. She had a feeble reply but she knows it is wrong. I put a few truth darts out there but not to much, i really don't think she could take it and would feel attacked when I want her to think. I did listen, and listened even if it was wrong, crazy, etc. I stayed calm and consistent, I'm in such a better place than where I started. I apologized for making her feel detached, growing apart, not having a "we" marriage, and said how those are normal problems relationships face and I would never intentionally hurt her. She tried to carry this back in time further, maybe she did feel that way but she didn't show it to me. I made no more apologies, they were well-intended and necessary but maybe not at this point in time as I felt it was fuel for her. She still has not taken any credit for any faults, not one.
Our conversation got cut off. She texted later to tell me she didn't hang up. I told her I know and to drive safe but to call if she needed to stay awake and we would talk about something else. I figured she could stew and we didn't need to extend our conversation. She thanked me again for the room offer and said she'd be fine. I did text this morning to let her know I was worried and wanted to make sure she got home okay, thanked her for the night, and reiterated that I don't think of her as she said. I also told her if she wanted to continue where we got cut off to let me know and left it at that.
I can see there is a lot going on in her mind right now. I think she's confused and her feelings must be consuming. I'm staying calm, consistent, and positive, trying to be a lighthouse and act in a way where I won't have regrets regardless of what happens. I think it's making her think, or at least not giving her justification for her thoughts and actions.
