Uncharted Waters

[2Times2Many]

This may be long and rambling, but it's time to purge the brain in a safe way and among people who get it. My apologies in advance.

My appt with the IC didn't go as well as I had hoped. I left feeling a little agitated which is totally opposite of how I usually feel.

When exploring why I even still want H in my life, I mentioned financial security. She started giving me advice on investing and suggestions on safe places to put money and derive an income from it. It put me off.

When I told her I had allowed H to stay at my place, she gave me a disapproving look and I got the distinct impression that she didn't "approve."

I'm starting to feel like I have "outgrown" her and maybe it's time to stop seeing her. Sometimes I feel like she thinks I should just pull the trigger on a D and move on. I'll see how this goes for a while, I suppose. If I continue to get these vibes, I'll stop seeing her.

A couple of interesting convos with employees this week.

Apparently H was telling the new manager (who is actually our oldest employee and is pretty familiar with our sitch) that he enjoyed the single lifestyle. He said he had a bunch of single friends that never wanted to M and enjoyed the freedom of a single lifestyle. H said he did too and he was part of a singles group that was very active. (Part of a single's group? That says a lot about where his mind is.)

Employee said she told him that kind of lifestyle may be fun until you reached a point that you just couldn't do it anymore ... keep up the pace. She said at some point, most people want a companion they can grow old with and can rely on to be there when they're needed. She told him that in spite of the challenges she'd had in her marriage, she loved being married and it was comforting to know that no matter what she might be doing, her H was right there in the next room and could be there for her if she needed him and vice-versa.

I was also working with a couple of male employees and the discussion turned to social activities and what we all did on the weekends, etc. One of the things H has criticized me for is my reluctance to go to a restaurant (other than fast food) and have dinner alone. H has said it's odd and he doesn't understand why I have a problem with that. He brings that up a lot ... so much so that I began to think this is a hurdle I HAVE to conquer.

Well, both of these guys said they hated going to a restaurant alone and avoid it. One said, "Yeah, people see me sitting there alone and think ... oh, he got stood up." The other said he feels uncomfortable because what else is there to do but stare at the wall or other people? He said "I can't bury my face in my phone for the whole time."

It was such a relief to hear that. I'm not strange! Even guys sometimes have a problem with that!

One of the things that always gets me down when H is here is that he implies there is something wrong with me because I don't have a gaggle of friends and I don't have the opportunity to go out every night of the week like he claims he does. He keeps pushing, saying you should join a group, make friends you can do things with. He keeps implying I would be happier if I had a non-stop social life like he does. Maybe he thinks I'll meet some guy to take his place???

Obviously, I have friends and we do have girl's night out fairly regularly, but I don't have this need to be always on the go. I don't have the need to have 100's of casual friends. A few closer friends is more up my alley. H also has no clue how much time I spend alone and how much I spend with friends since he's not here enough to know and I don't tell him all my activities.

When he starts down that road, it's hard to bite my tongue and not defend myself, although I'll keep trying. I don't know if it's a misjudgement on his part or justification for leaving me. Probably a little of both. Or maybe it's the hope I'll find another man among those new friends?

One thing I find amusing is H will say he can go out with friends every night of the week if he wants to. Then later he'll say he might decide he wants to go out for a beer and may have to call 5 or 6 people before finding someone who's available to join him. Or, he'll post a message to his "chat group" that he will be at such-and-such place if anyone wants to meet him there. He said someone usually shows up, but there have been times he just sat there alone. Seems kind of sad to me. I just can't imagine what it would be like to say, "Hey, I'll be at x tonight if anyone wants to join me" to a bunch of "friends" and have no one show up. Ouch.

I'm still giving thought to why I even still want H in my life and why I'm still trying to save the R. I think part of it is that I know what a great guy he once was and how well he treated me. Then the question becomes a "what if." What if I gave up too soon? What if I had just given him a little more time? What if that good guy, that I believe is buried in all that muck somewhere, fights his way back to surface? What if he wakes up and wants to R but I've moved on with a new life or someone new? It's all that stuff that there are really no answers to.

Then I wonder if that "good guy" is just below the surface and he's just focusing the goodness on others?

Then I think about some of the stuff he's told me he's done over there. The most recent ... punching out some guy on the side of the road because of a driving dispute (road rage). That's the angry, replay H and obviously he's still lurking around. The good guy doesn't appear to be making a significant appearance over there either.

By the way, when relating that particular incident, he said he had friends in the car with him. He thinks he showed them that he has no problem standing up for himself and that they were impressed with that. My thought was, "No. I suspect they thought you were some kind of lunatic. I suspect they may be rethinking their friendship with you, just as I'm wondering why I would want someone like that in my own life."

I do want to note that that is totally uncharacteristic of pre-MLC H. He may have gotten agitated and given the guy the finger, but he never would have stopped and gotten physical.

It's all a little discouraging. I really thought we were making some progress; that there were some baby steps toward reconnecting. Now that doesn't really appear to be the case.

I feel like I tried being his "friend" and put a little of myself out there for him ... cracked the door a little wider and he took that to mean it was safe to push me into letting him have his cake and eat it to. I'm wondering if my "softening" (for lack of a better word) led him to think I'd be more agreeable to his outrageous D proposal. Maybe I'm misinterpreting the whole thing. IDK. But, I'm thinking the approach I took was a cheeseless tunnel. I don't quite know what to do from here.

I suppose that's enough rambling. Sorry this was so long. So many thoughts spinning around in my head.

Before I go, "Bad Moms" is a funny, funny movie and well worth the price of a ticket!

Hope everyone has a great weekend.
2T