I've been off the boards for a while disconnecting as much as possible. W texted occasionally asking for wedding photos etc and complaint about S not keeping in touch. Now we are back and I have been in touch about her contribution to S which continues to be wrong. She avoided the issue and asked if I wanted to meet her and S for lunch. No thanks. She has arranged with S to spend 5 days in her home village. It is a time when there are lots of things happening and we normally go for longer. My dad told me that when he spoke with S that S had said he would only go if OM wasn't going. It will be good for them and will give me a small break. Today I emailed W to confirm the dates and raise another query ( which she hasn't answered) and she replied inviting me to go too! More importantly she told me they are building new flats across the road and she'd like to talk to me abou buyingt a small one. She says she can't buy it on her own. I haven't replied yet. I know it doesn't change her R with OM and she just wants some security for her. Obviously she could ask for her share of our flat at anytime which would be a long term tie for me as I'd have to take out a large loan. I think we'll have to meet but not sure how to move forward.
Hi Scrant, good to hear from you my friend. Well, I would think her options at this stage would be to - a. Talk to OM about buying a flat or b. Resolve financials with you in order that you can both make financial plans for the future. I certainly wouldn't consider helping or collaborating with her in that endeavour. At this point, you are neither her husband or her friend.
You could always say to her - hey would you really want to be across the road from us and running into me with my new girlfriend at some point in the future?? I think she believes you will remain pickled in aspic, just as you are, for eternity. In truth, I don't think it would do any harm to dispel that myth.
Would it suit you to get financials resolved at this stage? If it would, you could always let her know that you're amenable to reaching an agreement. I understand about the situation with the flat, but that may become a reality for you if you want to stay there and you guys don't reconcile.
I always shake my head a little at your W's invites. Like, you might enjoy a mini-break with her when she ran off with another guy and would presumably be texting him and so on in any quiet moments - erm...no thanks. Your S is clearly not amenable to OM time either, which is fair enough and he is at an age where he is able to decide.
Why don't you take your own little break and plan some nice things? You could always let your W know you can discuss financials when she is back...
I hope none of my advice sounds harsh...I think I'm just in a little bit of a meh phase with these WS's who upend everyone's so lives around them to pursue their own gratification....so do take me with a pinch of salt today.
xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks for the advice Sotto. Plenty to think about. S and W are going away later in August. Tomorrow S and I are going away to a theme park for a long weekend to celebrate my birthday on Saturday. I'll get back to W next week, there's no hurry and I have plenty to think about before seeing her for the first time in 5 months. In her email she tried to put a little pressure on by seeing there aren't many flats left etc. I won't be hurried as whatever is decided I'm sure it is going to put more financial pressure on me. She lives in a two wage house whereas I don't! As for her invite she still seems to be in fantasy land!
I agree with Sotto. You do not want to have your WW or XWW with her AP living right in your face. It is incredible, the audacity WW's have. Expect her to use the kid as her leverage and how good it would be for him......blah.....blah......blah
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. S's R with W is still very poor. The flats she is thinking of would take a couple of years to build by which time S would be old enough to be studying/ working away. Time for things to change in many ways. I don't mean a reconciliation! For the moment I haven't replied as I'm going to disconnect with S, enjoy our break away and celebrate my birthday. When I get back I'll talk but I'm not going to be bounced into a major decision. W has always had these flights of fancy throughout the marriage. I'll hear her out, let her talk and be with me for a while ( which she inexplicably wants) but I'm not going to enter into her fantasies. We aren't best friends anymore and I want to keep on with my life, not stay in aspic as Sotto says!
Today is my birthday. I'm away at a theme park with S. Turned on my phone this morning to answer messages. W complaining I wasn't answering phone so she couldn't congratulate me. S posted messages on a wider family group about what we were doing. W texted saying that she'd like to be able to celebrate with me but if not enjoy the day. I replied thanks we will and left it at that. S surprised me be giving presents for my running. Really made me happy as he doesn't normally give presents, his mum didn't get any!
Many happy returns Scrant- enjoy your day....some real rollercoaster rides for you!! Lovely that your S chose you some nice gifts - that's sweet for a boy of his age
Relax and enjoy!!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks everyone. Back home and W asked again if we could meet up to talk about her flat idea.To sort it out I agreed, wearing a new polo and a new haircut which she noticed. We talked for an hour I said no to any future investing together and would she really want to live opposite me and new lady? She asked about the flat I said of course 50% is hers. Did she want me to sell it? No. I reminded how fairly I've always treated her and if she found herself on the streets we'd talk again. Time to focus on paying for S's education and supporting him.We argued briefly over the monthly payment, she deducted something I had already paid. She said it is difficult for her. Well you left me! She is going to look again so no doubt I'll get a new calculation tomorrow. Rest of the time she wanted to chat so I did. Told her about nice times with S some good things about work and running. She asked was I better? I said I didn't understand what she meant but I'm moving on with life. Pointed out that she left and we didn't need to be in constant contact. Constant no but she likes to know what we are doing. She wanted the car but I said no as I'm going away ( quick visit to parents) from Wednesday to Sunday. Where? Didn't say. I said I'm sure she can look after S for 5 days. she compliained she never has the car. Yes but who paid the insurance and is getting it serviced? Complained S doesn't tell her anything. Said I couldn't do anything to sort out their relationship. Told her a few snippets about how great he is. Lots of small talk. She decided to tell me she's tired and anemic. At the end went to leave and she pulled me back for the long hug. What's that for?Smile and quick kiss. Means nothing to me. Feel relieved that nothing major has to happen at the moment and almost too pleased with the way it went
xx