I could get him a cake and presents and just sing him happy birthday at my MIL's house. I don't have a place where I could have a party. I also wanted to know if you all think I'm being an a $$hole. So I started no contact with the W. I didn't really tell her I was going to do it or why it was happening, I just stopped talking to her. She had sent me text messahes apologizing for her actions and thanking me for helping her parents. I recently took a trip and she asked me to let her know when I got there to know I arrived safely and I did, not really engaging in conversation afterwards. And I called and didn't really talk to her much, just talked to my S and then hung up. I haven't communicated with W in 4 days and the last time she had to tell me something, she told her Mom to tell me. Should I continue to not talk to her? Things seemed to be going ok when we were talking, she was opening up and now she won't even text me, all her communication goes through her Mom. Makes me uncomfortable, like we are growing further apart as opposed to closer together.
I could get him a cake and presents and just sing him happy birthday at my MIL's house. I don't have a place where I could have a party. I also wanted to know if you all think I'm being an a $$hole. So I started no contact with the W. I didn't really tell her I was going to do it or why it was happening, I just stopped talking to her. She had sent me text messahes apologizing for her actions and thanking me for helping her parents. I recently took a trip and she asked me to let her know when I got there to know I arrived safely and I did, not really engaging in conversation afterwards. And I called and didn't really talk to her much, just talked to my S and then hung up. I haven't communicated with W in 4 days and the last time she had to tell me something, she told her Mom to tell me. Should I continue to not talk to her? Things seemed to be going ok when we were talking, she was opening up and now she won't even text me, all her communication goes through her Mom. Makes me uncomfortable, like we are growing further apart as opposed to closer together.
I would not miss my child's bday party to preserve NC. Celebrating and supporting your son trumps NC.
Just my two cents.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
melo have you worked with a DB coach? I reccomend it as you may be over thinking and over compensating some actions. NC does not make you an hole. It does not make you grow further apart either. Your not living under the same roof, correct? That is what makes you further apart. Her choice for that correct? Do you understand the purpose and goal for NC? Understanding the why behind the what can really help. Think about it. All of your talking to her and giving her money and doing things for her after the BD led to what? It led to you not living under the same roof, correct. How would doing more of the same help in moving towards your goal. DB is counterintuitive. Keep that in mind. A coach is a great resource to assist you in the details and keep you calm under fire.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Thanks for the perspective SH, I sometimes do too much mind reading and think that she thinks I'm angry. Which isn't totally incorrect, there is a little anger here, but mostly hurt and disillusionment. I need time to heal too, I keep thinking of all the times she lied to me and I was taking xare of the kids while she was out seeing other men. I do need to re read DR and I wish I could afford a coach, but I can't so I turn to you guys. I need to find the right balance between NC and open communication.
I would say stick to NC. You know what is in your heart and if you are not angry, then you are in a good place.
When she feels the loss of you she will initiate things and the. You can go from there. But as of now based on what you are sharing it does not appear she is missing nor feeling the loss of you.
Stay the course and many here will help. I challenge you to also put in the efforts to study DR and any other material that can guide you.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Ok so I started watching TED talks to pass the time and found two awesome ones by Esther Perel- The secret to desire in a long term relationship and Rethinking Infidelity. Awesome insight!! My research continues!
Ok so I started watching TED talks to pass the time and found two awesome ones by Esther Perel- The secret to desire in a long term relationship and Rethinking Infidelity. Awesome insight!! My research continues!
Very cool. What were some things that you took from the talks? What can you implement for yours of from the information you learned?
I am curious to hear what melo learned about.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Ok so from one of the talks I learned that we are asking way too much of marriage nowadays. I also learned that in order to create more desire you need more space, space and the unknown is whst creates desire. Nothing is more boring than routine. I also learned thst infidelity is way more common than I previously thought and it need not be the end of a relationship even though it does signal the end of a marriage. I got a few clarifying questions that I can ask the W if we ever get moving towards R.
What it all means is that DB is spot on with how to handle a BD. It means that I will continue to work out and get my body strong and keep watching TED talks and inspirational youtube videos, and going to Church to keep my mind and spirit strong. I will try and be more organized and more thorough in all aereas of my life (180).
Although I will have to text my W before she texts me, because my S and D's birthday is coming up this week and I don't want to buy them the same thing she does. I will do so in a way where I maintain control and don't show that I need her nor that I am angry or hurt. Just that I hope she's doing well and I need some information. Kind but not a doormat.
