The lie continues...

[CT1118]

My thanks to everyone with my latest question. I am not suggesting anyone is wrong here, but there are different opinions. I do want each of you to know how much I value your thoughts, support, and ideas.

That said, given what happened to me last (story coming), I think Trumpet was closest to the issue I face. I no longer believe this is just about the A for me, I believe she is in full blown MLC.

It was close to 11pm last night (I wake at 5am , so late for me and I was sleeping) when phone rings - WW. She knows my schedule, so emergency? S4?. I answer and the first thing I say "is S4 ok?" WW states he's fine and immediately begins apologizing. WW has been crying, I can hear it. WW immediately begins into statements like "There's been so many changes", "I dont know what I am doing" "I am hurting so badly and I caused all this" "There was so much damage done to me in my past (this was a reference to her childhood)", "I only seem to hurt people" - you get the point. Fortunately, I had spent my day reading about stages of MLC in women, stages of the LBS dealing with MLC, and how LBS should respond to a WW w/ an MLC. WW did not mention D (has not since early May), but did mention needing more time & space and asked me not to wait.

Without having read Trumpet's post at that time, I felt her feeling the loss. I stayed on point - no name use, no anger, no "I love you" (even when WW said it to me). I was affirming and I listened. I feel good in my gut about the way I handled it which tells me I handled it right (believe me, when I screw up and backslid, I am aware of it immediately these days). That does not mean I was happy to hear the person I care about is suffering. However, I was suffering too and I carried that, and I made a plan for it which did not involve her love, I had a ton of help - you all on the list.

I am not going to obsess over her stages. I woke up today with the same confidence and sense of direction I have had since my switch was flipped last weekend.

To answer ForGump "What are your goals at this point? What changes do you hope to see in your situation, in yourself, in your MLC/WW? What are some mileposts on the way to those final goals?"

My goals - stay on target with GAL, self awareness, and R w/ S4. Give WW space to work herself out on her own. Not to be completely available, but to listen just enough so that I have a presence (stay dim). What do I hope to see in WW, self, and sitch? - In me, I hope to see in me the strength to keep my boundaries, dignity, and respect in tact and the perseverance to stick to my goals. In sitch, ultimately, I would like to hit a better R and avoid being her friend in a buddy way, but a path towards reconciliation. I will do as Trumpet says - gentle & warm, but firm. But for now, I feel like its all where it should be - her working on her, me working on me, neither of us failing S4 in our own ways. Not to push her away, but let her know I am self-focused, again as trumpet says. In WW, she stops her A, she acknowledges her pain/issues, she realizes the road ahead is long and hard and that she can do it (I will not be forcing or pursuing any of this on her behalf, but I will validate and listen at times). Mileposts - action is the only language I speak right now - I am going to reread MWD sections on signs the WW offers and respectfully will have to get back to you on that one. WW must set her own goals, but what I wrote above about her would begin to show me some action.

mvgfwd2 "What you're doing is right on target. Stay the course. You are on her mind and not other places. That is where you want it to be." You know that's right.

Thanks everyone.