Not sure where to go from here

[inpain]

Hi JksD, thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it.

Inpain, I have been skimming through your sitch.

You say that you're angry with him. Anger means that there's still some attachment. What do you think you will feel after the anger dies down? Indifference?

If you feel indifference, then maybe you truly are over your H.

I think maybe I am truly over him. I look at him and feel nothing. I don't know how I could ever get feelings back for him. This is not the first time he has done this, and there have also been several questionable incidents over the years that have eroded my trust in him.

Is your H willing to put in the work? Are you also willing to put in the work? It may be that you're in the ILYBNILWY stage. You may not be feeling love but do you love H?

H says he is willing to put in the work but so far his actions don't back it up. Speaking from experience of when H has needed to pull out all the stops for a previous major incident that he caused, he doesn't have it in him. He has no idea what to say to someone when he has broken their heart and eroded their trust. He thinks that if he fusses round and makes cups of tea then everything will be alright.

As for me, I'm willing to put in work but I want to feel love for my H - and I don't. I don't want to break my kids' hearts by not letting H come back, but I also don't want to set myself up for years of an unloving marriage - already had far too many years of a marriage with no trust. I really fear things are beyond repair this time.

At this point in time, your love bank sounds pretty empty because of H's behaviour. If he learns to fill up your love bank, do you think the love will slowly come back?

Very good question. I really don't know. All of the previous occasions I have still loved H - just not trusted him. I haven't even cried over him for months now. If I believe Michelle's words then yes it will come back - my heart isn't telling me that at the moment though.