W still at home, how to proceed?

[trumpet]

We had a quick talk during lunch which didn't go very well. She feels like I am trying to control her by telling her she shouldn't be in contact with her male friends. She says she doesn't see anything wrong with it since it's innocent. I stayed firm and told her that changes need to be made to make progress in our R and this was one of them. Still she said "I don't know what to tell you, we are going to have to agree to disagree. I'm not going to change who I am as a good friend" Ha! Ain't that some crap. I told her that means she is not committed to making the R better. She replied that I am making her sound bad. I validated a bit and said I see that being viewed as "good" is important to you. I don't think you are bad I'm just stating facts about how you handle our relationship.
We are going to talk more later. We will see how that goes.

My ex said that a few times when I laid down the boundary of no contact. She did try for a couple weeks, when she tried to stop her addiction to OM. She was miserable, and I wasn't a very good consolation prize... angry and upset husband.

She eventually restated I could no longer tell her who to be friends with, she was in control, and that was that. The reconciliation blew up.

For me the EA had to go PA. My ex has too many skeletons in the closet that need propping up. I didn't do a very good job for her. I in turned restarted the D. She hasn't looked back.

Sandi, I think you're putting a nice spin on 'chances of success are unlikely'. I put the odds at winning the Megabucks. ImAwake, your spouse will need to realize what makes a healthy healthy relationship tick. And want to learn those healthy things. Until then, talking will be for exercising your mouth muscles - and exhaling. Putting the focus on you isn't selfish - it's your only move.