Cnut, this makes sense to me. I really don't converse with her very much these days. I didn't answer texts, so she's tried to call. Didn't answer my phone, so called work. Didn't do any of that so emailed! Seems desperate and wanting my attention....
Today. 8 texts and 1 call. Didn't have to ignore because I missed the call this AM as I wokeup late (stupid button on the iPhone turned off sound) and was taking the dog out. Luckily made it to work only a couple minutes late. A picture of S this AM, nag that I didn't "touch base" with his teacher enough (she loves that phrase), picture of form to look at and download his summer pics from preschool and noted his teacher said he had cute ones (like always!). Then this afternoon, she asked if I could pickup S tomorrow and that she hoped I could send an answer quickly because it was about work. I wondered about that for a sec, but just wanted to be w/S so I said Yes I'll pick him up. She then said her boss has been out of town, and since she's the #2 she's been in charge. And that she's really sorry.
I'm not 100% on whether I should ignore that, or validate. But after about 45 mins I validated because I don't really have many opportunities to do that, by saying that must be really stressful for you.
I had a good day at work. Came home, pooped out the dog on another nice walk. Going to clean up around the house tonight and do some laundry. Fun fun! But need to get it taken care of. Excited my boy will be home early. School starts Aug 1, and he'll be with me Su-F as my schedule is much more conducive to taking him in the mornings. She will be picking him up around 3:15 or so and dropping him home, so I'll see her a few minutes daily after work.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
RSG, I feel it, my latest on my thread is about my new dim and the bombardment of contact all of the sudden. Ironic how it all began with WW's wanting space and now that you are providing it...well, you get my point. Cleaning and laundry - still valid GAL and meets the 180 if the best presentation is forward when WW drops off the kid.
Mostly , what I got from your post above is how cool it is you will get to hang w/ S all week. Not sure how old you are, but when I was a kid, dad's were like fictional stories M-F, (gone when I woke, gone when I went to bed), so its great that our S's are getting plenty of that male influence. Happy for you man - that is major positive.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
I'm not scared of seeing the old lady a couple of minutes. I'm excited about spending so many evenings with my boy, and taking him to school every day.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
How often does your W have your S overnight? Does she only spend Saturday and like an hour with him a day?
Right now, I'd say on average I have him 4 days and her 3. During the academic year, I'll have him most of the time because her schedule doesn't allow her to take him to preschool.
Well, she rang a few times this AM while I was putting my stuff away at work again. Then text me begging to answer, so I said what's up and she called. The asst teacher in S class has left, and there will be a new woman there Monday. I didn't know about this, so she let me know so I could ask the director when I picked him up. Legit info, but then she asked what my appointment Tuesday is for (she's an intelligent woman, she KNOWS it's for counseling), asked if I received her pics of S last night and when I said yes she asked why I didn't respond. She asked if I would contribute to a gift card to his new teacher, and said sure. He really likes his new teacher, and she works well with him. That's a big deal for us....
She said some other stuff, but I forgot honestly. I told her bye and got to work. Around 11:45, she sent a picture of the giftcard and I didn't say anything. I had a noon meeting and got back to my desk around 1:30. I responded and asked if I need to get her $25. She said yes, but no rush. Then she said she had to go because work was crazy. I validated and said that sounds really stressful for you. Good luck in the rest of your day. She said thank you, and to give S a big hug tonight.
After that, I started thinking of some new boundaries. I'm just not sure about how I'll keep on them. One is, in order to receive updates about S she'd have to prove she's no longer communicating with inappropriate people. I could ask for a no contact letter, or ask to see her phone randomly. And if she won't, then no updates. Not sure this would work, might be too soon to address this, and it might be perceived as jealousy.
Or Two, she knows I will update her about S after he goes to bed. If she asks prior to, or complains about the arrangement, no update for the night.
Three, we have equal access to our Facebook accounts. I restricted her after I found out she had restricted me, but I thought I took that off as I viewed it as petty. On my birthday (7/9) she mentioned it was in fact still restricted, and I said I'd take that off and asked her to do the same. She never followed through.
Thoughts on these?
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
RSG, the first one is hard. Worried that may push her away.
The second one is much more do-able and sets a big boundary with known consequences. that'd alleviate the intraday noise and show her that you won't stand for it.
On the third one, you both already agreed to remove the access restriction. You did, but she did not. I don't think you use the texting situation to address that. She already said she would do it, but didn't. I'd offer you either restrict her again, or tell her that if she doesn't live up to the previous agreement you will restrict her again.
Communications between y'all sound good, besides the constant temp checking on her part. Keep it up bud!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
1. She hasn't mentioned getting back together, why do you think she would let you see her phone. Transparency happens when she expresses remorse and wants to do anything she can to make it work... For now drop the rope (it really feels good when you do). Base updates on what is good for you.
2. Not updating because she asks sounds like punishment, again do what's good for you. If she keeps asking, block her number on your phone during the day, that way you don't get the texts, then unblock when you are ready to text.
3. If you unblocked her on Facebook so she would do the same, you did it for the wrong reason. Do you want to block her? If so do it, if not don't do it, but expect nothing.
Don't discuss any of these with her again, just take the action that works for you.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
1. She hasn't mentioned getting back together, why do you think she would let you see her phone. Transparency happens when she expresses remorse and wants to do anything she can to make it work... For now drop the rope (it really feels good when you do). Base updates on what is good for you.
2. Not updating because she asks sounds like punishment, again do what's good for you. If she keeps asking, block her number on your phone during the day, that way you don't get the texts, then unblock when you are ready to text.
3. If you unblocked her on Facebook so she would do the same, you did it for the wrong reason. Do you want to block her? If so do it, if not don't do it, but expect nothing.
Don't discuss any of these with her again, just take the action that works for you.
RSG, Pay attention to c-nuts advice here.
Have you read DR? Do you understand what the LRT is and what you should be doing to implement it for your situation? Lots of good advice from folks that you need to follow, but it appears as if you are resisting it. Why is that? Are you doing what you feel is best? How has that worked so far? Maybe time for a different approach if you want different outcomes.
Pick up DR and get to reading and applying the principles. You should be doing what is based on sound principles and not what feels right if you want to make progress.
Right now she is distancing herself from you and your pursuit is helping that process move along. Is that what your goal is?
Time to focus on you. Fix you. Become the person only a fool would leave. Pay attention to those that have walked the path and already learned the hard way and or was successful because they paid attention to how to navigate the storm.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
