Just Tired

[Accuray]

Hello TiredTN,

I'm familiar with both of the scenarios you find yourself in. The "what is normal" question is easy -- every couple is different. Everyone has an innate sex drive, which dictates how often they want to have sex all other things being equal. If your wife likes to have sex twice a week and so do you, that's great! Chances are sex won't be a point of contention.

Unfortunately, when people "couple" they have lots of sex during the honeymoon phase, so differences in sex drive is often a surprise that emerges later, as young people tend to assume everyone is wired the way they are.

That's the baseline -- sex drive is then impacted by a wide range of factors, health, weight, self-esteem, history of abuse, upbringing, boredom, depression, medications, and perhaps most significantly the other dynamics going on in the relationship.

If you find yourself to be the high drive partner with a wife who won't step up for you, it creates a lot of resentment and that resentment tends to come out in all kinds of unintended ways. The consequence is that your wife feels misunderstood and unappreciated and is less willing to have sex with you and around you go.

Setting that aside, it sounds like your wife is emotionally abusive. As someone else mentioned, that's usually due to self-esteem issues. Her inner voice may be telling her that she's "not worthy" so anything at all that comes across as criticism, questioning or lack of support will send her into defend and attack mode. Maybe that sounds familiar?

Unfortunately, there is no short term fix for that. She needs to decide that she wants that to change, and she needs to find the motivation to do the necessary work with a therapist. That's not easy, that's a long, painful road for her, and admitting she has a problem exacerbates how she already feels about herself, so chances are she's going to be stuck where she is.

Your best bet is to get in touch with what you really need in this life. How do you want to live, how do you want to be treated, and how far are you willing to go to get what you need?

Unfortunately, you will probably need to make this situation worse until it gets better. It may come down to an ultimatum that you will leave unless she gets help, coupled with a set of "non-negotiables" for the treatment that you will and will not accept. If you make an ultimatum, you MUST be prepared to follow through on the "or else" or don't even bother doing it.

The question to ask yourself is how you got here? I'm sure her family history wasn't a secret to you when you got married, and I'm sure her behavior didn't change over night. What attracted you to a person who acts this way? Once you knew she acts this way, why did you decide to have kids with her?

That's a key question because chances are if you break up this relationship and put your kids through a divorce, you'll find yourself with someone new with very similar issues. We're attracted to people for a reason, and there's something there you need to investigate.

The first step in all of this is figuring yourself out. How did you get into this relationship, why have you tolerated this behavior for so long? What do you want in your life going forward and what are you willing to do to get it?

Acc