Episode 3 - The Divorce Awakens

[qt4x11]

It has been a few days since I last posted. I have been getting back into dealing with my life after almost a month of being confined to bed, recovering from my surgery - in general it has been a good thing for me. I have been reporting to work since Tuesday, I’m still technically working from home but I’ve been going into the office voluntarily just to be around people again. It’s weird being back around coworkers after so many months away - my company are actually generally very sweet people, but even at my company I still feel the undercurrent of egotism, competition, and career anxiety underlying every social interaction. It is only normal I guess, I was able to deal with my work life much better a few months ago, when I had no personal problems and a lot of confidence in myself professionally.
I think my most immediate task is to get myself to a point where I am on top of things at work, and feeling very good about myself professionally. I am a month behind my current project, I spent the first couple of days just looking over updates to the code base. Today I got some stuff completed and checked into the repository I feel good that I’m showing up and putting forth effort at work, if I keep doing so it will help alleviate a lot of my stress in general.
Things have been moving with the divorce legal proceedings, I had a meeting with my lawyer on Tuesday, which actually went pretty well. I’m satisfied with how we are planning to respond to several motions that have been filed to do things like - sell the house (no to this), and temporary spousal support (also no to this). My lawyer gave me some homework of gathering some financial information for a disclosure form we are filling out - I took care of this the next day. Again, I’m happy that I’m starting to deal with the day to day responsibilities of my life like work and the legal stuff going on with the divorce.
I have the kids from last night til Friday. Met my wife at a school fundraiser to pick them up. I was friendly, but sort of standoffish around her. Communications between my wife and I have improved a little the past couple of days - had a couple of longish texts and a call - and some face time at the fundraiser. I’m not reading too much into it. I had a talk with a close personal friend early this week that really helped me to gain some objectivity in my divorce situation. Basically I have come a long way in detaching, I have no expectations for whatever happens between us, and have close to no hope in reconciliation. It is just easier to deal with my wife this way, on top of the legal proceedings and all the stress of dealing with my every day life. I just tackle issues as they come in a businesslike fashion, there is no added layer of ‘how is this helping me to win back my ex?’ or ‘what can I do next to change her mind?’. It’s easier and less stressful to me just accepting the reality of the situation. Don’t get me wrong - it’s still the toughest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my life and I still have to deal with a lot of sadness and guilt around the situation - but I’m in a better place right now.
Here is my attitude - I’ve said and done everything I can. I continue to work on improving myself as a man and working on my sobriety. She knows this. I’ve said sorry and even pleaded with her ‘please don’t break up my family’. There is nothing left for me to say or do, perseverating on ‘trying to convince her to change her mind’ is only causing me needless suffering and distracting me from the present moment. And there is a silver lining to my situation, if I choose to see it that way. I don’t have a family 50% of the time - I have the time to work on myself and develop my career and personal interests. I have freedom - I no longer have to answer to anyone else regarding decisions I make. And I am filled with so much emotional energy - pain, anxiety, guilt, regret, all of the emotions that swirl around inside of me all day - I can either let these emotions bury me, or I can use them as fuel to make positive changes in my life and become a better human being.
I picked up the kids, we went out to dinner, then back to their grandma’s house, spent time with their grandma, then I fell asleep snuggling them in bed while they watched youtube videos and played games on my phone. God bless them.
What else - I can’t exercise so I’ve just been doing a lot of walking, a lot of meditating, journaling and reading. I’ve also made it a priority to cultivate relationships with friends and family, and to develop new friendships and interests. I’m going to Lollapalooza this weekend with a big group of family and friends. I’m also going to a ‘foodie restaurant meet up’ this weekend with my friend J (mainly for the food, although I think J wants to scope out available women that might be in attendance). This is also kind of interesting - I joined a band. I don’t think I mentioned this - but I recorded an album and play a few musical instruments. I joined a band - sort of. I responded to a craigslist ad from a guy who was putting a band together - I sent him my album and some clips. We have our first ‘band practice’ next week. That’s pretty cool - I always felt sort of stifled in terms of my musical interests within my marriage - my wife always made me feel as if I was neglecting my family whenever I’d try to carve out time to pursue my musical interests.
I have been through the fire - in the past few months I’ve gone through a separation, recovered from major surgery etc. - and I’m still alive. And I feel like I’m starting to see things in a different way that will allow me to move forward in a more positive and productive way. It’s still summer, let’s just live and enjoy whatever good times we have while we can.