wife of 14 years walks out on her family

[Raul]

Ok Sandi, here are the answers.

I actually had to sit and ponder the first question. Has my W had the same personality since M...Yes. And yes, if she did not get her way, or if I did something she did not like...she had mood swings.

I did whatever to make my happy, to an extend. If she wanted to go out and enjoy ourselves, I happily obliged. But I kind of drew the line if she wanted a $1,000 handbag. I told her she had many handbangs as it is. Now looking back, maybe I should have. I don't know. I also bought her a Cadillac Escalade, which I was against at first, but she needed it to take our daughters back and forth. So I gave in.Yes, you can say she had it her way in our marriage.

She wanted an SUV, we got it. She wanted a house, we got it. She wanted a baby, we did it. Her sisters would always tell me that I had to make a stand and not give in to her and to tell her no. When I stood up against my wife and told her no, I would be in the dog house for days. Recently, she wanted another baby, but she lost interest when I finally told her let's do it. So yes, if she asks for something, and if I try to look at the cons and pros, she becomes agitated. I used to tell her, we have a family, mortgage, bills that we have to first consider before we make a commitment. I would notice she would always compare our marriage to other women she knew at her job.

Our first daughter, she did not bond with her. She did not really spend much time with her, always at work. So I bonded with her and gave her both motherly and fatherly love. My W wouldn't even stay up with her when she was sick. She even made it known during family events that she had no connection with her. I had to pull her aside and told her to never say that again, especially if she is around. With our second daughter, yes. She bonded with her. She became the love of her life. To today, she makes it known. So she did treated them both differently. Often make a comment that the first daughter was mine and her second daughter was hers. She had no depression on either both pregnancies. She was so lovable and caring. On the second baby, she did take extra time off. What kind of bothers me now is now that she longer lives with us, she spoils the first one. Like trying to buy her love. I remember when I would make my W spend girl time with my first daughter. I would give her money to take her to the movies or the mall. Now she is being the mommy that I think she should have been. Recently, my W took off out of town to see family. She did not take our daughters. She was gone for 3 days. She made a comment on Friday that she left me our daughter because she knows that I need them more than she does. I was distraught with that comment. I wanted to tell her that was BS and that she doesn't want them because she wants the single life, but I didn't say anything.

About our sex life, it was great. I did not see any issues. We had it whenever we want to.

I recently had a conversation with her on 7/22. She called me screaming. She said she was mad and disappointment with me. I broke a rule Tuesday and went to her apartment late night. She refused to open the door. So I left after ringing her doorbell. It was her birthday and I wanted to see her. She made it clear again that she is divorcing me. She admitted that she cheated on me and lied to me many times. She said I am making her life miserable. I did not say anything. I let her rant then I hanged up. I have not talked to her in 4 days. She has text me to ask about our daughters, when she got home and she was tired. I did not respond nor answered her call on Friday.

[Raul]

Update:
I have NC for 5 days, yes I had to start over because I keep calling her and trying to get her back. Last week she made it clear she wants no contact with me and to leave her alone. So I have NC at all, only text with ONE word texts when dealing with kids. For example, she will text to please pick up kids by 5pm and I would reply with "K" only-sometimes not even a K.

She just called me from her job. I did not picked up. She left a message that she wants to know when will school starts for our girls and wants us to go school shopping for them together. What??

I'm being lured to a trap? Or am I reading too much into this and it is no big deal going with your WW school shopping. How do I respond? Do I respond?

Advice greatly appreciated.

[RSG]

Don't go school shopping. She should be able to look up the date for the first day of school herself, but if she asks again you could simply text the date and leave it at that. But definitely don't go out and shop together. That's what a H/W do for their kids. If you really want to head her off, YOU can take your kids shopping! It'll be fun for your kids to go pick out clothes with Daddy.

[CT1118]

Raul, I am so sorry you are in this position. So many of us are in something similar.

You asked: "'I'm being lured to a trap? Or am I reading too much into this and it is no big deal going with your WW school shopping. How do I respond? Do I respond? Or do I respond?"

I don't know your WW, nor am I an expert, but this is no trap and if it is, you set it yourself. Your WW does not know what she wants. While it is possible there are W out there who dislike their M's so much they would hurt the LBS financially or physically on purpose, it most likely she is just confused and lost in herself right now. She may want you, she may want an AP, or she may want to be alone...all this may flip in the course an hour. Don't try to make sense of it, She has no grand plan. You be the one with the plans, the goals, the strategies. At this point every interaction you have could be a big deal...for you. You said above that she had a lot of control in the M. Here is an opportunity for you, you get to choose dude, she asked you.

From the above, you spoke about going to her place uninvited and and calling her a whole bunch of times - that all led to her asking for NC. I think if you want to go, go and if you don't, don't. But I also think you have to wonder if you or WW are ready for something like this...and in an environment of busy stores, screaming kids, discussions on who pays for what? That's where your going to take your first step towards contact again?
If you feel you MUST see her, why not start with her picking up the kids from you, she takes them shopping, you go do some GAL, and then you see WW when she drops them off. Short, polite, and give her a reason to wonder what you got going on, like you are dressed in new clothes, you are listening to some music, got an new haircut, or you are in running sjoes because you just got home from working out. Either way, look like you were doing something.

[Raul]

Thank you RSG and CT1118 for the great advice.

I am still new here and its terminology. I read somewhere here that when NC is implemented, WW may do a check in, not sure what its coined here. My W has done it to me twice, or at least I think has. This emotional roller-coaster is so confusing. She will scream at me and tell me to leave her alone. I leave her alone and NC. Then usually about the 5 day, she text me or calls me to ask me something. I call or answer the phone and talk. Then I think she might want to talk to me and so I continue to pursue her.

Point in case. I did not talk to her for 3 days after one month that she left. She then calls me and ask if she can spend the night over because she is tired and getting out of work. She was staying with a friend which is less than a mile away. For her to come home, it is a good 6 miles. So I agree. She comes in after work, which is around 11:30pm. I used to wait for her by the door every night to kiss her hello and hug her. Which i did not do so this time. She goes straight to bed, i slept in the living room which I still do. I went to work the next morning, did not bother her. I was so happy. I thought she wants to come home. So afterwork, I have flowers and I am happy to think she wants to work this out. As soon as i walk in, she is walking out. I told her if she wanted to stay for dinner or hang out. She was cold and told me that she has not changed her mind. So i pursue her again! Eventually she screams to leave her alone and that i failed the test. I ask what test? She then walks away and says i am obsessed over her. I become distraught and so confused.

That is why I was asking if this was her way of checking on me or not. I don't know.

I have not responded to her. I text her the times the school starts and date. That is all. I am planning to take my daughters school shopping on Friday. I don't think it is good idea to see my W. I am doing so good and finally happy.

[RSG]

Oh man. I don't know your home situation, but if she isn't living at home I wouldn't let her crash. There was no real test, but she knew you were pining for her to be back and in their warped state of mind love is a turnoff.

You gotta cut down on all communication as much as possible. She can't just crash, don't tell her what you bought the kids, don't respond to much of anything really. If it's a logistical question as to the where the kids will be or something of that nature, then make a short response. But if you're going to do NC, you can't go in and out.

[Coly23]

Hi Raul, I know it's easier said than done but you've got to stop falling into her trap. Have you read about the 'Distancer and Pursuer'? It really opened my eyes, the Distancer being your wife and the Pursuer being you. The more you pursue the more they run, then when you stop pursuing they get curious and start pursuing you, lull you into a false sense security and then once they have your attention the game starts again. Only you can stop the cycle and be firm. No flowers, no allowing her to come and cause you to sleep on the sofa. She doesn't want to be your wife so she has to learn what it is like not to be your wife!

[Raul]

RSG,
Yes she had moved out a few weeks ago when she asked if she can spend the night. So I let her crash thinking it will motivate her to come back.

Since I have not respond about shopping with her for our girls' clothes shopping, she has not brought it up or text me about it. So I'm assuming it might have been her way of seeing if I would call or text back. Not sure, maybe it's me reading on something that might mean nothing.

Coly23, yes. Thanks for reminding me about the Solo Partner's Distancer and Pursuer. I had to step back. It has been a week today since she told me to leave her alone screaming (on the phone) and to be prepare for the divorce because it is coming.

These were actual words:
"I am not coming back to you. You don't see it because you hope I might change my mind, but I am not coming home. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you could move on. So move on. You can't repair our marriage, there is nothing to repair. It is too late. I don't love you. You don't worry where I go or who I go with. I can date the milkman, the mailman, it is none of your business [for the record, i never asked her whom she was dating or where she was going- she just started ranting non stop]. If I was in love with you, our marriage would have been awesome [yes word by word], but that's the problem, i don't feel nothing for you. I love you, yes, I would not have married you if I didn't. I never loved you, I don't think I ever loved you like I love this person [OM]. I know what true love is, I feel it with him, I never felt it with you. [Here is where she contradicts herself.] I am not seeing nobody, you think I am seeing someone, I'm not. I just go to work and head to my apartment alone. That is why I know I don't love you, because I do not think about you and I am alone. If I love you, I would have been thinking about you, but I don't- and I am not seeing no body. From now on, you will not talk to me or have a conversation unless it is about our daughters. This is the last time I talk to you."

I get all confuse. So NC has gave me some peace of mind too.

[Raul]

Update: So I took a chance....
So I agree to go together shopping for our daughters school clothes. She wanted to go in two different vehicles, she finally agreed one vehicle but would have to go out town fearing someone would see us together.

Being with her felt as if we were together. I knew going that she was just going for our daughters and not for us. We talked, we laughed and it seemed we had a good time. We went to 3 stores and then ended up in one of our favorite restaurant. I was doing so good, trying to not express my feeling or my desire to be with her. But after two beers, I started telling her that I care about her and wanted to work our marriage. She insisted that she does not want to work our marriage, she wants to remain separated. She looked confused or maybe to me. But she told me she doesn't want to be with me. She said she was not with anyone (I know that is not true) but I did not question her. I was curious on how she has been which she was very vague. She said she no longer does things that we used to do. Things I know she enjoyed doing like going to the movies or watching crime shows. She says she no longer interested in that. What bothered me was that she said that she is no longer a good person and has been acting bad. She has been staying away from me because she does not want to hurt me. On three occasions she called me "honey" which she always have. It has been 2 months since I have heard her call me that. I asked her if there is no love or affection, why does calling me "honey" come out naturally. She said it is just an old habit and not to read into it.

We ended our day with a hug and she said we will never do this again (mingle). She told me not to be hopeful and to keep moving on with my life. I told her I am.

I know what I felt, I am so in love with my wife. But I have to go back to being dark again. Day one tomorrow again.

[Raul]

Update:
More pain today. W came in this morning to brush our daughters' hair. Today is our daughters' first day of school. I tried so hard not follow her around the house, she looked so beautiful. At 7am, she either got back from an all nighter or has plans to see someone in the day. W and I took different cars to the school. We walked our girls to their class. She stayed her distance. I felt like a puppy around her, wanting her attention. She knows she has me on her finger. I fought it so hard but her beautiful eyes controlled me. Afterwards, I asked W if she wanted to get coffee, she said no and left. Now I feel pain, neglected, hurt...I want my wife back so badly.