Detaching.....nearly there..

[Surfer]

Thanks Doodler. So do I answer this or not? I have tried not doing and it never goes away. Perhaps it is one of those things that will only go away when the lack of connection goes away? I would appreciate any other thoughts on this.

[doodler]

Surfer,

I don't really think it matters much if you give her an answer. I think validation is probably the best approach. Something like, "I can understand why you'd feel that way." And then leave it at that.

I hope others stop by to give you some additional feedback.

[Rose888]

I apologized for not really taking his concerns as seriously as I should have.

There are lots of reasons, but none of them justify my behavior.

[Sotto]

Yes I would go with validation - I'm so sorry you felt that way - that must have been hard.

Or - yes I can see why you might have felt that. Looking back, there are things I would do differently.

[Surfer]

Thanks Rose, Sotto and Doodler. It's strange really as she tends not to hear and accept any form of apology I imagine that this is common. It just seems to be dug up again and again and things get added to the arsenal - many of which are made up events/re-written history. Perhaps validation and if "I could re-write history..etc" is about as good as it gets.

I think she is finding it hard again at the moment now -the topic is all very nobody listens to her or cares etc at the moment. I then validate and say I understand that and I am listening - "but it's 'too late for that' etc" comes up. I find it all very confusing but that's no doubt why DB exists. To make sense of the madness and find a way through the fire without getting too badly burned.

Thank you again.

[doodler]

I think she is finding it hard again at the moment now -the topic is all very nobody listens to her or cares etc at the moment.

Surfer,

My wife used to complain that nobody, especially me, would listen to her. Occasionally I'd respond saying, "What'd you say?" (Who'd have thunk I'd say something like that.) I don't recommend sarcasm; I'm lucky I wasn't castrated.

[Surfer]

So my W, is now starting to feel the stresses of her actions. She is painted into a corner and is starting to feel he pressure of he choices - leaving etc. Not good but I think I perhaps should leave her and not try to help as such? Because I care for her I feel like picking up the phone and 'just checking in to see how you are' etc. Would that be wrong?

Second point. When a WW is telling their 'story', reinventing history etc much of it is garbage. For example she is currently telling me, no doubt others, that my parents have 'dropped her like a rock'. I know this is untrue, but she tells me still. Do you validate these things - when you know the, to be untrue? I said "I think even though you feel that to be the case my parents would be very hurt if you genuinely think this and rather than telling me or others you should speak to them directly. I am very sure they care for you and always have." Or should I just validate - "I can see why that might feel painful etc".?

[Sotto]

"I feel like picking up the phone and 'just checking in to see how you are' etc. Would that be wrong?"

Yes, that would be pursuit. Try to remember that often doing nothing is doing something. I would leave her be and focus on your own life.

As for your parents and her...I think you are trying to 'fix' in what you said. I would purely validate with that one - I'm sorry you feel that way etc. It's actually very difficult to just say that and not go any further. However, by not trying to fix, you are respecting that she needs to take her own journey here and I think that is a loving thing to do.

[Surfer]

Thanks Sotto. Much appreciated.

[Surfer]

Nice relaxing day with the kids today. Film day, then trip to see grandparents 3 hours away then back for Sunday.

I have noticed a few things with my wife recently:

1) She is not angry with me seems nice with me mostly
2) She is hanging around more rather than bolting as soon as the kids are dropped off by her
3) More eye contact
4) There is a little humour at times
5) She seems more relaxed in my company
6) Whilst I have retuned mediation forms the mediator says she has not (I have asked him not to chase as I don't want to instigate mediation)

99% sure there is no OM. 99% Sure she is feeling pressure of life with the kids alone, work, home life, not having the support, financial pressures etc. Slow, small and perhaps not important improvements. But improvements no doubt. I cast my mind back to the horrors of 2-3 months ago and this is very different.