I told you I'd comment back on the detachment thing, and how I think people on these forums have the process all wrong, but I'm about to head to IC right now and I'll post when I get back. There are a few people that understand it on here, and unfortunately, I think it's one of those things that is almost unexplainable in nature, like, you won't know it, until you've reach it, and until you reach it, there is no defined path on how to get there...
Sotto makes the good point up there, and it really isn't about "detaching from someone"... it's about "re-attaching to yourself, that's a great way to put it, so thanks to Sotto for pointing that out, and thanks to Vanilla as well, a much simpler version of what I was conjuring up. But I've done a lot of reading and writing on the topic, so I'll post my own thoughts when I get back from IC.
betterm, I will be interested in your thoughts on detachment as I agree with you that many seem to misunderstand it and that maybe why it is such a struggle. I too have been reading and researching it for better understanding as well as I believe that it applies in more than just our MR. For both better and worse. It wold be fun and enlightening to bounce our research and understanding back and forth and maybe even help many others with it's appropriate application.
For a while I confused detachment with a lack of engagement. I pretty much stopped talking to H unless it was in response to a direct question, and then I kept my response short.
That was very bad in my situation (H who was emotionally numb to me and was considering leaving the M).
What worked better was staying engaged in our relationship but learning to not let H or my mind reading of his feelings and thoughts to dictate my mood. Not that I'm 100% successful, but that's the new goal.
Detachment in this sense is important for any healthy relationship. It's not just something you do when your marriage is in trouble.
Just my two cents. I'm looking forward to seeing what betterm says.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
