WAW, bouts of anger still spewing, awaiting the D.

[SH_]

I was going to journal some, but it is late. Lots of fun stuff, (adrenaline junky being created here) some sad,(not really sure how to put into words) well not sad, but low moments to document.
New things happening with the Bday of d17 tomorrow. She is so excited.

I will drop details tomorrow, and I am off to sleep because 4am comes mighty early around here.

Well.....tomorrow turned into almost a week....where does the time go when you are staying busy and trying to hide from all of the non sense that comes with a WAS, an unwanted D and learning how to be a single parent?

SO it has been over 2 weeks since I shared any details or journaled much, so it is about time to do so, and do it in a coherent manner.

I finally connected with my L a day after my last journaling and he asked me what the word was from my STBXW. The question caught me as a bit odd and I responded that I had no idea as she avoids speaking, well avoids any communication with me. I said, that is why I had been reaching out to you, to see what needs to happen next as I was under the assumption that the D had been filed back at the end of April. He advised me that there was some hold up due to her L, I did not really understand all of the legal mumbo jumbo he stated, but then he said that he just received something. He mentioned that we needed to do some stuff with the retirement fins and some odds and ends points for co parenting arrangements, and that was it. He said he would send me the info by the falling Monday.

It has been almost 2 weeks and I have not seen whatever it was he was sending me. But I have not stopped to think about it much. Maybe that is not good, but, I just don't feel the need to work to hard on it as the fins are already agreed to and sealed, so the rest really is not urgent for me. Especially if she is not doing anything to push it along. Basically I have not been served. somedays I question why. Other days I don't really care.

But then my L caught me off guard with some other questions.
He asked how she was doing. I replied that I did not know as no communication as I had mentioned. The only info I am aware of is that which my D's state or mention on occasion. Both tell me how she seems sad, confused, lost and depressed, but I do not have any first hand knowledge. He then stated something to the affect, that the grass does not seem to be greener on the other side as she had hoped. I replied, yeah, something like that.
There was a pause.
He then asked, do you want to talk to her about reconciling?

I was speechless for a minute.
I then responded, that I would leave that up to her to pursue. But at this moment, the person that I see, is not one that I would want to reconcile with. I have been feeling peaceful and calm, in a manner that I had not recalled for many years.
My L replied, unfortunately that is what I hear more often than not.

My response played over and over in my mind for several days as I wrestled to determine if that was what I really believe. Am I feeling relief from many years of stress and eggshell walking, or am I holding a grudge for what she has done to my family in the last 6 months?
I have still not made a final determination.......but I do know that with each passing day I look forward and have thoughts of a better future with a partner that loves me unconditionally and I her.

But for now in these moments, it is a vision of a goal that I hold to provide hope. Now, I have much work to do to be the man that is worthy of such an opportunity. I have 2 sweet little girls that need direction, support and love in this chaotic situation. I have confidence that needs to be rebuilt in myself in my career, in my social connections, in my abilities to beat back father time and not think I am to old, or to past my time to accomplish things that I would like to.
For now, there is still much work to do.