Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 2)

[JRuss]

My W said essentially the same thing. I strongly question this concept though. How *are* long term couples supposed to love each other? Are you supposed to feel the giddy infatuation after years of negotiating parenting, house chores, finances, etc.? No, I think a healthy partner feels a deeper sense of attraction based on a loving, trusting relationship. So I think your W might be misguided in looking for excitement in your relationship. She is obviously attracted to you enough to have meaningless sex once a week. She needs to build on that, rather than look elsewhere for exciting romance.

I really, really agree with this. I told her once, early on, after first learning that she didn't feel attracted to me, that I myself had any number of things she's done, said, acted like, even smelled like over the years, etc. that, if I fixated on them, and didn't instead focus on what I love about her, I'd be so out of love it wouldn't be funny. But I didn't, because I thought that's what we promised each other we wouldn't do.

I've been told a bunch of things I did that contributed to this, but I agree with you that the biggest reason we're here is that she quit doing what it takes to be together longterm, parent under the same roof, be economic partners AND loving spouses. I had failings, but I never dropped any of those things.