Cadet - First, sorry still don't know how to navigate with posting on this site.
1) Do I understand my sitch: I believe with a high degree of certainty, that through my anger and non-supportive behavior and with my last episode of stonewalling (not communicating) with her for almost 2 months that she finally had enough of my crap. This resentment has been building for years and she finally had enough to say...I don't want this M and I don't love you. It's easier for her to justify her actions to make any of her decisions.
2) Her point of view: Years of walking on eggshells and damage that my behavior has done to her psyche, self confidence/worth and with the added resentment that she felt she has not lived up to her potential. It finally was enough for her to "turn of any of the remaining love switch" to make a decision to end it.
3) Is it all about my anger issue: not 100% but in combintion of my supportive behavior - I would say a very big % why she doesn't love me.
4) Real reason: There's a part of me she is going through a MLC/a personal renaissance of sorts. Sh's turning 40, got a job, has changed her body/looks maybe she wants to explore what it means not to be married. However, I say with hope this is not about another person, but more about finding herself.
I hope this may add more context as to what i think.
Doodler - I directly asked the questions. I don't think so, based on the job she has. She loves being productive. However, she has also stated if I didn't have anger issues and was more supportive, she would of been content to be a stay at home W/mother.
I didn't press her about getting a job, but when we were arguing I knew how to push her buttons and would talk about she needed to get a job and contribute. This wasn't true more of me being a A$$ and trying to hurt her below the belt.
I always knew I was pushing buttons/fighting below the belt in our arguments, but my selfishness, pride, ego and arrogance made such a incredible jerk. These sessions would be as common as once a quarter.
Cadet - Thanks for asking. First, I have started IC with an anger mgmt specialist. I am being honest to the root to my issues to my wife; so, that she understand at a certain level why I have acted that way. I am being conscience on how my behavior is impactful to those around me (sad statement because these are the most important people in my life).
Here's the kicker: I like a lot of you work in the professional environment with many stresses with people internally and externally. I don't get angry, rage, or do things that will be negatively consequential to my job. So, I have always had the coping skills to control my so called anger issues. These are people that are not even in anywhere near important to me as my W or kids; however, why I didn't use these same coping skills with my family is something I have no excuses for.
Lastly, my IC agrees with my statement, in a way I needed this wake-up call, because it was very obvious I was not going to voluntarily change my selfish/destructive behavior. Now that I understand the real consequences, i am committed to do everything to change and improve/better myself. I pray is not too late where it concerns my W.
Your wife probably does have reason to be disillusioned, but there's usually another ingredient in the mix. Typically there's a catalyst that leverages the discontent. I'll STFU for now.
doodler - I respect what your saying, and I have thought of what other "ingredient" could there be...and yes, I have probably thought of all it.
I'm not proud to say, but in this situation, I may definitely be an over achiever in being just breaking down my wife little by little over the years to her current state.
Stating it today, I would be shocked, if this has anything to do with any other individual(s), because I know what I've done and the damage I have caused.
Any rationale person would of kicked me to the curb a long time a go. In a way i wish my W did, and i would of gotten my act together sooner (that's what I hope would of happen).
Cadet - Thanks for asking. First, I have started IC with an anger mgmt specialist. I am being honest to the root to my issues to my wife; so, that she understand at a certain level why I have acted that way. I am being conscience on how my behavior is impactful to those around me (sad statement because these are the most important people in my life).
Here's the kicker: I like a lot of you work in the professional environment with many stresses with people internally and externally. I don't get angry, rage, or do things that will be negatively consequential to my job. So, I have always had the coping skills to control my so called anger issues. These are people that are not even in anywhere near important to me as my W or kids; however, why I didn't use these same coping skills with my family is something I have no excuses for.
Lastly, my IC agrees with my statement, in a way I needed this wake-up call, because it was very obvious I was not going to voluntarily change my selfish/destructive behavior. Now that I understand the real consequences, i am committed to do everything to change and improve/better myself. I pray is not too late where it concerns my W.
OK - I hear all this, the trick is to make these changes for YOU. Not to win her back. Do not use any words but make these changes so someone will know by your ACTIONS that you have changed.
And I agree with DOODLER. No matter what our transgressions and faults were we did not cause this. We are only responsible for 50% of the marriage. I am not saying that you should not put in 100% towards this 50% however she also has a 50% responsibility. And LOVE is a CHOICE.
Right now she thinks its a feeling. Believe me when I say it is a choice not a feeling.
Cadet - I agree with you 100% love is choice. My wife through the raw hurt believes intensely that its a feeling.
My IC and MC (w/o W) believes she has her part in our problems, but the pain is too raw right now to start confronting her part. My IC told me (not sure 100% agree) she can't hate you without loving you first. Wife has told me throughout my sitch, when she thinks about it, she hates me and can;t look at me like she use too. That and I don't love you are the two worst feelings in my life.
I just hope as my IC/MC has stated she does love you but its underneath a very large block of resentment and hurt feelings, and this will be a long time for her to get out of it.
