14 days of sheer hell - to get to heaven

[Rose888]

Ok, Rose. I see what you're saying, my challenge of the DB theory is that each tunnel filled with cheese is a new behaviour that we reinforce. These new behaviours need to become second nature.

I was challenged before about self-validation. Personally the attachment reasons are that we LBS only looked for external validation of happiness, in our spouses. Part of being detached is finding internal happiness and in turn self-validation.

BUT, if we change our behaviour in order to get a reaction (attention) out of someone else, then we're simply just changing the way that we externally validate????

The GAL activities saved my life, it literally did. It helped me focus on myself and I am forever thankful for the DB theory. No one has to D, I just saw it as a goal in my quest to be more me, and I have achieved all my goals.

I am now 3 months sober
I am 3 and a half months without porn, no sex, not even taking matters into my own hands. I now have self-control.
I am 95% detached - i even told my XW that she must let me know when her new boyfriend is in town so that I can see inconveniences coming.

SO DB Works. I may not have saved my M, but I am the best person i can ever be!

I don't think in terms of changing my behavior to get a reaction out of H. I see myself as changing my behavior to get a different reaction. For example, H sometimes interrupts wih joking comments. I used to get irritated and snap at him when he did this. Or, I'd stop talking and pout. Then he'd be irritated with me, and the conversation would end.

Now, if I'm frustrated wih the interruptions, I stop talking. But I don't snap or pout, and when he says "Sorry, what were you saying?" I continue the conversation with no hard feelings.

For me, 180s are about ending cheeseless tunnels, and detaching is about being responsible for my own mood and happiness. They are two separate strategies, and they solve different problems.

I do agree that both need to become second nature.