MLC vs Midlife Reboot

[ciluzen]

Thanks Job. I realize I sound angry, but I actually just have had a series of epiphanies lately. Finding out what others have seen and/ or felt about this situation after so much silence while I have wondered who noticed, what people knew, was I imagining things, was I really so bad? I just realized, I can't waste so much energy on it. I'm tired.

I'm in school, trying to live my life and adjust to all of these changes. I got the full throttle manipulation on Saturday, I now realize. The poor me, the victim, the guilt trip, the how can you ask me to continue being responsible for you because I failed at that for so many years so I don't want to do it anymore...What?! Responsible for me? I don't remember him being this manipulative in the past. I don't remember him being a liar. I've wracked my brain trying to remember these strange negative qualities or evidence of them from the past. I got nothing. So, he must be pretty desperate to create change in his life.

I know he's scared, I know he's stressed, I know he's not happy and feels out of control. I know he's tired. At first I thought, "but I didn't cause these things, so why am I being punished?". But now I realize, it doesn't matter. Its happening. He can't see any of the good from our relationship. He just can't right now. He is fearful, tired and desperate. So, I have to let go. And I have to take care of me and my needs regardless of how he feels about it. I'm not used to being selfish. But I have to be.

I was afraid that this would make me the evil ex who just grabbed at everything she could while he suffered penniless and overworked. I'm sure that's how I'll be portrayed. But I didn't make the decisions here that put him in debt. He made a big deal of how he is absorbing all of the debt, and how he has really struggled this year to pay for the river property. Good! We actually have struggled every year with it! He just hasn't been in charge of the finances! He can sell the place. We sold our house. It was gut wrenching. It was a good price, but considering how much we put into it, it was a huge loss. If he sold the river property, it would be a gain (bought at auction). But he "can't".

Anyway. He will be faced with all of his decisions from now on. By looking out for me, I may well always be considered a cold money-grubbing b-word in his mind. I'm sure he'll find support in his belief, as I'm sure I will be supported in my belief that its right for me to focus on me, regardless of how it affects him.

Its time to let the Ls do their jobs. I'm out. Am I still "standing"? Yes. Yes I am. But not for this desperate, manipulative, selfish, cheating, MLCer that has taken over the body of the love of my life.