my W and i have been separated since April. I received the I love you but I'm not in love with you, I'm not sure i want to be married, I need time & space, and I think I'm attracted to someone else. ouch! they've pretty much all came in that order, a few days apart. My W began having an emotional affair with a man in another country, (nursing school trip) he kissed her, I thought no big deal, a few days later she began telling me all those common things. She asked me to move out. I obliged, the texting and constantly on the phone with another man made it easier to move out. Still she insisted she doesn't want to rush into divorce, and insists she needs to figure out what she wants.
We had some problems prior to the EA, diff parenting styles (I have a step daughter) I tend to get defensive, what I say goes, controlling in stupid stuff like what clothes my SD wears, what we will have for breakfast (I know, typing it out makes me sound pretty ridiculous) and picking small fights with my W & SD. All of which I have stopped doing by the way.
fast fwd, I got this book, read it. Took some time away stopped chasing, begging blah blah, which I never did too much of. I went on vacation, ALONE because she canceled...so I returned from a 12 day vacation from Europe, where we had very little to no contact. (our two year wedding anniversary came and went while in Europe, I received a "hope you had a good day" text, I did not reply) Upon my return a week or so ago we spend 4 Lovely days together. We were connecting, we did activities, she stayed off her phone, she put her hand through my arm, (that rarely happened even when we were "good") she smiled, laughed a lot, I did kiss her (she did kiss me back for a few mins) everything was just good. I asked her to come to therapy because I wanted to discuss some stuff about our daughter, she agreed, (the therapist was there as a mediator only no counseling, no nothing) toward the end of the session she began to cry, saying I've been a great parent, I'm returning to the person she fell in love with 6 years ago, that my changes seem genuine, that she's sooo happy for me, BUT that that didn't mean we were getting back together and she is still "confused". I was feeling good, so I re-read my notes on this book, all the "what will be the first sign..." things I wrote down were met, with the exception of one. I was feeling good, but kept a level head.
fast fwd to this past weekend, my W flew off the handle. completely back to how she was when we first broke up. threatening to not let me see my SD take my house key back, because of 4 things, 1. I texted my SD birth father (she was him for the summer) telling her I missed her. 2. My W's mother (who I'm trying to value more and build an actual relationship with) texted me she hopes I find happiness, I replied with "I hope I find it again with my family". 3. the neighbor asked if we were "dating" I said no, the neighbor told my W I said we were (yes a jerk neighbor, I was trying to be nice) & finally, 4. I came over unannounced to water the grass...yes you are reading correctly, I came over to water the grass, my W was in the shower so I went back outside finished and left! These actions to her meant I was "cornering her" again. Attempting to get "her people" on my side. I told her I understood how she could think that with her mom, told her the neighbor was lying, I stood my ground with the Birth father, apologized for coming over unannounced. we did not fight (she did raise her voice) but overall, no "fight" I practiced patience, communication, and tried something different, to diffuse the situation. Still things are not right.
Did I really backslide, or is this just part of her confusion going back and forth? I seriously thought we were moving in a good direction (not necessarily a reconciliation, just good). How do I go back to heading toward a good direction? What's my next move?
Right now, my SD is back for one week and will leave again. My instinct tells me to stick around for the week, (my W and I have both agreed to do family things) and back off completely when my SD leaves again for 10/12 days. Revisiting the situation upon her return.
Well, Whats my next move, where do I go from here? All input is greatly appreciated.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
1. I texted my SD birth father telling her I missed her. 2. My W's mother (who I'm trying to value more and build an actual relationship with) texted me she hopes I find happiness, I replied with "I hope I find it again with my family". 3. the neighbor asked if we were "dating" I said no, the neighbor told my W I said we were (yes a jerk neighbor, I was trying to be nice) & finally, 4. I came over unannounced to water the grass.
1. That seems OK to me. 2. This is not a good time for you to "build" a relationship w/ your W's mother. I would keep it very low key. But, just the simple text reply seems very benign to me. 3. I would've given the neighbor zero information. Say something like, "Sorry, I don't want to talk about it." 4. This is a bad time to care about the grass. Her space/privacy is far more important.
This is all the kind of stuff I might have done too -- it's just easier to make the call since I'm not in your shoes.
Your W's in a very sensitive place. I would give her wide berth in terms of space/privacy. Absolutely no more coming over unannounced, unless the house is on fire. No more text messages w/ your mother-in-law. But do what you believe is best for being a father to your child/children.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I'm trying to figure out why you moved out just because she told you to move out. Why do you need permission to live in your own house?
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
rds- I'm not on the mortgage... Didn't want things to get ugly. When she's what I call "crazy" mode there is no reasoning.
I understand you not being on the mortgage, but did she have the house before you were married? My name is the only one on the mortgage but my W has full access to the house if she wanted and there isn't anything I can do about it.
I've seen too many men get screwed because they left the house because they thought it was the "right" thing to do and it turns out it was the worst thing they could have done, even if the W goes into crazy mode.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I know I was worried about my car loan/title being only in my wife's name, but in my case once I spoke to a lawyer was able to confirm that since it was acquired while we were married the specific name on it didn't matter and it was just shared marital property. Since things can vary by state, and whether the mortgage was acquired before or after marriage might matter, it sounds like it would definitely behoove you to see a lawyer for clarification. That could help you be prepared if your wife resists you moving back, threatens legal action or police, tries changing locks, etc.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
