Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 2)

[JRuss]

doodler -- pursuit was a big issue for me. I only came here after over a year of self-improvement attempts, some of them pretty successful in isolation, that didn't work, at all, because I now know I was doing everything with an eye on W to see if any of it was working (even asking her at times if she'd noticed -- good grief), so DBing is still pretty new to me.

Big 180s for me have included not talking about the R, at all. Not asking for or trying to get reassurances. Trying to move away from the sack that followed my W around, being clingy, to having my own life (GALing). Inside my head I still am too results oriented, I know, but I've pretty much tamped out the overt smothering stuff I was doing.

W has always been a little vague about what our problems really are, and even my role in them. What I've been able to glean is that she didn't feel supported at home or career-wise after our second child was born, that she couldn't talk to me about our problems or even just those she had in general (I didn't listen and validate and either got angry or tried to fix things), that I didn't manage my stress well and made everyone else feel it, too, that I didn't have my own identity, didn't bring fun/joy into our life, that we didn't have that much in common . . .

Well, actually, rereading that, it's kind of a lot. Anyway, I've taught myself to be a good listener (IC and self-help, primarily), whether she admits it or not. I've done everything I know to do to support her in her new, much harder/demanding job. I'm GALing religiously. I've taken an active role in arranging family and just-me-and kids hikes, trips, and outings (more joy/fun), I'm volunteering again, I am going to audit a class at the local college this fall, I'm reading more, I meditate every day.

I saw all of these as 180s, since I admittedly had gotten in a major rut and stopped living my own life, had gotten not exactly "fat" but pretty jiggly and out of shape, and, as I gradually became aware of our problems, very clingy/desperate around my W. However, she sees it as "tweaks" in the most charitable light, and as transparent, even still-smothering, faux changes I'm just making to pull her back.

Working with my IC, we've figured out that, completely unbeknownst to me, I have mild to moderate depression that manifested itself way back in my early 20s. I self-medicated for years (marijuana -- surprisingly effective), and it was when I was still a stoner that my wife and I first met. So outwardly a pretty happy, fun guy. As I grew up and started a family, I stopped self-medicating, and, gradually, a pretty not-fun, low energy, temperamental/moody guy took his place. I get that that guy wasn't attractive at all, but I'm not that guy any longer. But W doesn't see the me that's in front of her now, just the ghost of this guy she fell out of love with.

Sorry to ramble -- it somehow really helps to write this stuff out, even if it's all over the place.