Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 2)

[JRuss]

albac -- thanks for responding. Yes, it occurs to me that this is all hopeless, at least the part where what I want is a reconciled marriage. Wanting it to work out definitely has me emotionally paralyzed (working on it, though), but the two major things holding me in place are:

1. Wanting (like my wife, or so she says) to give our kids as soft a landing as possible, and

2. Wanting, when/if the D does come, to be able to say I did every single, solitary thing I could do to prevent it and keep my family together. Relatedly, I have made a decision, even if it leads to more aggregate suffering for me, not to take any affirmative actions that make the D happen. By that I mean, I'm not moving out, I'm not filing, and I'm not going to be a doormat and say "yes ma'am" when/if my wife starts wanting to discuss the logistics of splitting. I am going to see a lawyer so I know my rights and what I need to do (or not do) in order not to have worse than 50% custody of our kids, but not with an eye toward making the first move. Right or wrong, that's where I am and pretty much always have been since I first got the BD.