Keep Wearing Wedding Band?

[trumpet]

This forum feels cruel in a way, because all this DB talk gives you hope, like something could happen, yet everyone admits most DB fails... A lucky few save their marriages.

ForGump, what I'm learning is that DBs primary focus isn't saving your marriage. It's about getting you back to a place that you respect yourself and can be the person you want to be. It's about rebuilding bonds that had been lacking, such as with your kids and your friends/family. It's about growing your integrity, confidence, and R skills so you can succeed in life going forward, with or without your spouse.

The secondary goal of DB seems to be saving your marriage, at least with regards to a WS. The thought is that by accomplishing the primary goals above, you have done everything you can to try to save your MR. If you're successful in those primary goals, your spouse would be stupid to leave such a good person. If the MR still ends in D you then have the skills and confidence to be successful in your Rs going forward.

You learn that by focusing on what you can control you stay sane. Focusing on changing or controlling your spouses actions/thoughts will drive you crazy and will probably drive them further away. So focus on those primary goals and the secondary goal will sort itself out. Easier said than done, I know, but that's what I'm starting to realize DBing is.

I've only been around here for a month or so, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Some of the more seasoned guys/gals may be able to help more.

Whatever happens, remember that you are always in control of you. Keep working hard and keep your head up. We are all here to support you brother!

Man, for a month, you nailed it. Very well worded.

It takes a while to work through the shock and awe phase of the BD.
Then it takes a while to work through the anger and grief.
When you look back, it's about what you can control - you will have emotions, they aren't bad or good, they're comfortable or uncomfortable. The uncomfortable ones will leave you... don't knee jerk yourself into regret for actions that should never have been taken.

I'd love to hear my EX-WW say she was a fool. But by that time, if there ever is a time, I'll have LONG moved on. Some have smart waywards, and snap out of it in days/weeks/months. They seem to be the minority, but that's why I stay around - to hear the success stories!