Reading some of the stories sometimes I feel like I don't have it bad enough to get a divorce. Here's some of my story.
My wife is from a somewhat abusive household. Her dad hit her mom on occasion, but not her or her brother to the best of my knowledge. Lots of yelling and screaming though. Guess what happens in our house...lots of yelling and screaming. Even when it's not being yelled there is a tone in the voice that says, "this is your fault" or "why are you asking me that" or "are you stupid". And it's virtually all the time. For 15 years. We have sex about 9-10 times a year. It's not good sex either. We have never had an adult conversation about money. If I bring the topic up it's, "okay, I'll stop spending money, we can't ever do this or we can't ever get that, or we'll never have, blah, blah, blah". Lots of absolutist language. We've been in counseling twice for several years. We've read the five love languages. Her languages, "gifts" and "service." Mine are "words" and "touch." As you can put together I am getting pretty much zero of my languages. I help out with household chores, dinner, breakfast, lunch, I help with laundry, I help with bath time with the kids. In the past when she would go out with other women and they would talk about their husbands she would come back singing my praises because I do so much. That singing of the praises wouldn't even last till the next morning before it was back to the moaning and groaning about life, me, the kids, it's raining, it's hot, it's cold...good god there isn't anything she doesn't complain about. She complained last time we were at my mom's because my mom was warming up the food for supper. I'm just freakin' tired.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/27/1605:16 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
Married: 15 yrs (anniversary on Aug 4th) Kids: Boy (10) and Girl (7) Age: 47
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
No, I don't, but I don't entirely know what to do. I found this site and the online community after doing some google searches along the lines of, "when is it better for the kids if you divorce." The thought of having split custody with her where they have to put up with her for several days without me there to be a buffer is not a good thought. My kids are wonderful, but I can see her anger and in ability to deal with life rubbing off on them. MWD says there is hope for the marriage. I'm still not so sure, but I'm willing to make some posts, read some posts, look at some articles and see if anyone has any better ideas. I did read some of the links that you put up and there is some good stuff there. Lately, I have been taking some of those actions (not knowing they were on your list). We have had very limited conversations lately (the last 3-4 days) and I seem to have calmed down some just not having to hear her. 'Course that is no prescription for a great marriage, but it's better than hearing all the negativity.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/27/1605:18 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
Married: 15 yrs (anniversary on Aug 4th) Kids: Boy (10) and Girl (7) Age: 47
In the past when she would go out with other women and they would talk about their husbands she would come back singing my praises because I do so much. That singing of the praises wouldn't even last till the next morning before it was back to the moaning and groaning about life, me, the kids...
That sounds very familiar to me. There are people who have very poor emotional memory, whose emotions are unregulated by memory, who will hand out profuse compliments instinctively to try to garner people's approvals, and once you're in their life and they no longer need your approval, they will treat you poorly. I think much of this behavior is rooted in low self-esteem.
Anyhow, you are wise to be thinking about your marriage, because if the status quo continues odds are fair that she'll drop the bomb on you some day, saying she's not getting what she wants out of the marriage.
Then you'll be asking us how to bust the divorce.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
