Uncharted Waters

[2Times2Many]

Thank you so much mleigh4 for such a positive post. Boy, did I need to hear it. The past 4 days have been discouraging, to say the least.

I suppose I could sum it all up with one statement that H made on Saturday: "I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too." Yes. He actually said that!

H stayed at my place on Wednesday night after he was booted out of his Dad's place. He checked into a hotel on Thursday night saying he didn't want to interfere with my routine. On Friday he said the hotel was awful and asked to stay with me. I said ok.

Everything was fine until Saturday afternoon when he wanted to get into personal plans for the future.

I told him I would not stand in his way if he wanted a D, but I would not remain his partner. I told him that in my mind a D was final and the end and that I wouldn't want him in my life in any capacity afterwards.

Once again, I had to shoot down this idea he has had since BD that we will D and still be business partners and friends. I asked him if we got a D and everything stayed the same, what's the point? I asked why would I want to go through the emotional and stressful process of a D if nothing changes? I asked if he wanted to get remarried or did he just not want to feel guilty about his lady friends? He said he had no intention of getting remarried although he would never say never. (Ignored the guilt question.) He said he wanted closure. I asked how is it closure if everything stays the same except you've signed your name to some legal document? How does that bring closure? He said I had a point.

I said I want closure, too, but his proposal would not provide that to me.

This is where the cake eating comment came in.

I made it very clear that I wasn't saying I would leave the company because I wanted to keep him "hooked." I said I've continued to do what I do because it's the right thing to do and I do care about the company and our employees. But, I'm prepared to walk away because I can't be his XW and his business partner. I told him when I sign on the dotted line, in my mind, our R is over

If I'm being completely honest with myself, I think that as long as there is no D, there is hope. I feel like if a D happens, all hope is lost. It's done. We're finished. I'm permanently fired. What I can't figure out is why, after all this, I still want this man? I wonder if I really want this man (who has hurt me like no other person on this planet could) in my life or if I'm just afraid of an unknown future. As Scarlett would say, "I'll think about that tomorrow."

But to continue: I said, "Okay. This is what I want as a D settlement" and told him what I wanted (leaving room for negotiation, of course). First he said, "So, you've been giving this some thought." Then, after doing some calculations he said he couldn't afford to buy me out.

He started telling me how valuable I was and if I left the company, he'd never find someone who could manage the money as well as I did or someone who he could trust like he trusts me.

That's when the first truth dart took flight. I told him he had confirmed what I've thought for years ... that my only value to him was my ability to help him make money ... that I was just one of his donkeys. (He once, when he was deep in the fog and as angry as h3ll, referred to his employees as donkeys and said their only purpose was to make him money.)

I launched another dart that maybe I shouldn't have, but I compared his behavior to that of some coworkers years ago that wanted nothing more out of life than to drink, party, buy expensive man toys and run around on their wives. H thought they were all scum.

It wasn't all negative though. I told him that there were a lot of things I admired about him, but there were other things that I didn't like. I said I wished I could put him back on his pedestal but every time we seemed to be getting along well and I was taking a small step in that direction, he did or said something to push me away. He looked surprised and said, "Really?" I said yes, you do. I said I wished I could put him back up there and I've tried, but I didn't think that would ever happen. He asked, "Too much water under the bridge?" I said, "No. Too many roadblocks."

On Sunday I just left him alone. I did my thing at the house and had very little interaction with him. In all honesty, I just didn't have the energy to deal with him.

Late Sunday afternoon he said he didn't want us to be like that. He said we needed to get on the same page and work together because we had big changes in the company to deal with and we should just put off all the other stuff for now. Here's the funny remark, "We can't be walking around thinking FU each time we pass each other." A little projection there, you think? I didn't respond to that one.

He also said he had never called me names or made personal remarks like the ones I did the day before. (I so wish I had a tape of all the critical, blaming, disrespectful, demeaning and just plain hateful things he's said to me over the past 3 years.) He said he wasn't going to put up with that anymore. So, I guess I'm now forbidden from saying anything negative about his behavior? Maybe my darts hit home?

Then he started pouring it on thick about how great I was at my job. He said how impressed he was that I got the company through some difficult financial times and that I had saved two peoples jobs since we were close to firing two people. He questioned my desire to leave the company after a D saying it was not a smart financial decision. I just told him that sometimes you have to balance things and I had to balance financial aspects with my emotional and mental health.

Monday night he started in again saying I misinterpreted what he said about the company falling apart if I left. He said he was trying to pay me a compliment.

Later he said he knew what I wanted. He said he knew I wanted to try but he didn't want to be M and didn't want to be a H. Blah, blah, blah. Same broken record.

I simply told him that I felt like I had been living in a nightmare for the past 3 years and I wanted it to end. I said I knew I could end it myself and that I just needed to figure out what price I was willing to pay and how much I was willing to sacrifice to make that happen. (He knows I've been testing if I can live here without the additional income I get from the business, so he knows I'm trying to figure those things out.)

His basic demeanor was hugely different from his last visit. I felt like I had gone back in time 3 years and I was hearing the same old stuff again but without the anger. There was so much of MLC H bubbling up, but in a subdued manner (with the exception of throwing the coffee cup and the confrontation with BIL). Maybe the BIL stuff brought it up. Maybe that upset his apple cart? IDK?

Since Sunday, we've been polite and cordial - occasionally friendly - but that's it.

Anyway, he left here today knowing I'm trying to figure out if I can live here without an income from the business, that I won't try to stop a D but won't start it, what I want in a D settlement and that I will not continue in the business after a D. And he knows he will not get to have his cake and eat it too. He knows I won't buy into his fantasy any more than I already have. And if he's using his noggin at all, he knows I'm getting tired of this whole mess.

Regarding BIL. I think he feels pretty bad about the whole thing. He says it was his mistake to hire him in the first place and he knew it but he couldn't figure out how to fix it. He remarked that he had lost his whole family in the blink of an eye.

The truth is, he hired BIL so he could go be with OW1 (and yes, OW2 is still in the picture) and live his fantasy life. So he's dealing with the aftermatn of his craziness in MLC land. I don't feel sorry for him. Actions have consequences and he's dealing with his. So sad to watch, though.

In spite of all that, I'm doing fine. It nothing else, it just re-energizes me to keep moving forward, keep working on getting my life in order and prepare for a single life without H in it. It gives me the impetus to keep looking for the inner peace I need in facing that unknown future and the strength to do what has to be done for me.

Sorry this was so long.

My best to everyone.

2T