my W and i have been separated since April. I received the I love you but I'm not in love with you, I'm not sure i want to be married, I need time & space, and I think I'm attracted to someone else. ouch! they've pretty much all came in that order, a few days apart. My W began having an emotional affair with a man in another country, (nursing school trip) he kissed her, I thought no big deal, a few days later she began telling me all those common things. She asked me to move out. I obliged, the texting and constantly on the phone with another man made it easier to move out. Still she insisted she doesn't want to rush into divorce, and insists she needs to figure out what she wants.
We had some problems prior to the EA, diff parenting styles (I have a step daughter) I tend to get defensive, what I say goes, controlling in stupid stuff like what clothes my SD wears, what we will have for breakfast (I know, typing it out makes me sound pretty ridiculous) and picking small fights with my W & SD. All of which I have stopped doing by the way.
fast fwd, I got this book, read it. Took some time away stopped chasing, begging blah blah, which I never did too much of. I went on vacation, ALONE because she canceled...so I returned from a 12 day vacation from Europe, where we had very little to no contact. (our two year wedding anniversary came and went while in Europe, I received a "hope you had a good day" text, I did not reply) Upon my return a week or so ago we spend 4 Lovely days together. We were connecting, we did activities, she stayed off her phone, she put her hand through my arm, (that rarely happened even when we were "good") she smiled, laughed a lot, I did kiss her (she did kiss me back for a few mins) everything was just good. I asked her to come to therapy because I wanted to discuss some stuff about our daughter, she agreed, (the therapist was there as a mediator only no counseling, no nothing) toward the end of the session she began to cry, saying I've been a great parent, I'm returning to the person she fell in love with 6 years ago, that my changes seem genuine, that she's sooo happy for me, BUT that that didn't mean we were getting back together and she is still "confused". I was feeling good, so I re-read my notes on this book, all the "what will be the first sign..." things I wrote down were met, with the exception of one. I was feeling good, but kept a level head.
fast fwd to this past weekend, my W flew off the handle. completely back to how she was when we first broke up. threatening to not let me see my SD take my house key back, because of 4 things, 1. I texted my SD birth father (she was him for the summer) telling her I missed her. 2. My W's mother (who I'm trying to value more and build an actual relationship with) texted me she hopes I find happiness, I replied with "I hope I find it again with my family". 3. the neighbor asked if we were "dating" I said no, the neighbor told my W I said we were (yes a jerk neighbor, I was trying to be nice) & finally, 4. I came over unannounced to water the grass...yes you are reading correctly, I came over to water the grass, my W was in the shower so I went back outside finished and left! These actions to her meant I was "cornering her" again. Attempting to get "her people" on my side. I told her I understood how she could think that with her mom, told her the neighbor was lying, I stood my ground with the Birth father, apologized for coming over unannounced. we did not fight (she did raise her voice) but overall, no "fight" I practiced patience, communication, and tried something different, to diffuse the situation. Still things are not right.
Did I really backslide, or is this just part of her confusion going back and forth? I seriously thought we were moving in a good direction (not necessarily a reconciliation, just good). How do I go back to heading toward a good direction? What's my next move?
Right now, my SD is back for one week and will leave again. My instinct tells me to stick around for the week, (my W and I have both agreed to do family things) and back off completely when my SD leaves again for 10/12 days. Revisiting the situation upon her return.
Well, Whats my next move, where do I go from here? All input is greatly appreciated.
