Am I a bad mother for saying that I have enjoyed the time the kids were with their dad? I went out a lot and I have done a lot in my new house (including a spring clean in kids' wardrobes!). So much easier when they aren't there! I had such an interesting chat with IC about why I still have ups and downs, and we finally nailed it down to the fact that I was struggling with rejection. IC can see that I love H but that I'm not in love with him! IC pointed out the differences she has seen in me since I started with her, and was very encouraging. She told me that even if it seems like a long time and I don't see progress straight away, I'm making changes in my life to break the vicious circle of always entering unhealthy relationships. IC added that I had two choices: either to carry on devaluating myself (like H has been telling me all those years) or to choose to be happy. She reinforced that everything in life is a choice, and H cheating on me was HIS.
Alleluia! I'm finally seeing my H's flaws, that I could have been the perfect wife ( as we know that doesn't exist) but he still would have done what he did. He is a broken man and as much as I love him I can't fix him.
I'd like to say sorry to all of you here ( job, Sotto, shotgun, KLM, Inpain, Ancaire, NYGal and others) for not listening to you when you were right in saying that H is broken and I can't fix him. Better later than never to realise this (although a year to realise this, I think I might have been taking the the mick though:-)!). I have chosen to be happy, to live life to its fullest and not let go of that damn rope! H will not come back and to be fair I don't think I want who he is now. I'm showing my daughters that I have self respect and that I deserve better. IC reckons that my journey on self worth and respect had begun when u kicked H out after giving him a change to work on marriage. I feel stronger, more at peace but not naïve that there will be ups and downs along the road. WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER!