Shelob's Lair

[Zues126]

Two different quotes I've been thinking about (and Sotto's on Ginger's thread). I didn't know which thread to reply on so I'm replying here. I think Ginger and Mozza read this anyway, so it's all good. Here are the quotes:

Very early on in this process I made a decision that I was not going to end up an angry bitter woman, and that has influenced so many of my choices. Here I am two years later, not settled exactly, but happy with the choices I've made, happy with how my life is turning out. I applaud your decision to reevaluate where you might be blaming and holding grudges, where you might be putting up defenses that are keeping you from something better.

Most of us here have accepted that our M is over and many are comfortable with that. But we are haunted by our take on what happened. You mention, for instance, that you feel 'robbed' of your future. I get it, it's the same for me. Being 'robbed' though is one way to look at it and it's one that's likely to create anger and resentment. It is not a fact. The fact is that our partners left when we wanted them to stay.

Now we decide how we frame it: Is it robbery? Is it freedom? Is it betrayal? Is it relief? Is it renewal? Is it opportunity?

This framing, this perspective, this angle is our choice alone. At BD, it's impossible to feel anything but pain and anger. But over time, we regain the power to look at things a certain way. To come up with a new interpretation of our life. On that doesn't necessarily put the D in the middle of it, for instance. One that sees us from birth until now, and more, with different relationships in them. And a future up for the taking.

Nobody wins from the framing our lives in a painful way. We might resent our X for leaving, but it doesn't impact their lives; only ours. So maybe it's a matter of finding a narrative that's comforting to us and allows us to accept and embrace what happened in order to fuel our new future.

I like both quotes. I do. I am not dismissing them. I absolutely agree with choosing not to be bitter and angry, and to be careful about the narrative we choose.

At the same time I can't quite get my heart around this new-age idea that we can frame anything into a positive and waltz away better off. For example, suppose you lost a child to someone that was driving and texting. Would you 'reframe' that as being 'free of the responsibility of parenting?' As 'an opportunity to have more children?' Listen, I definitely think you'd be advised to move forward with your life, find ways to be appreciative for what God has given and the time we had and still have here, and to do your best to celebrate our lives. But can we not do that and still accept that the loss was horrible to it's very core?

As for Sunny, I agree 100%, and I deeply admire the way you've handled yourself. The only thing I hesitate about is the assumption that some people make, not you in your post, but one that does get made...that if we grow and heal we will be open to love from another person and find a meaningful follow up relationship. I've heard that women that are single and don't want kids have other people constantly making the assumption that they want a man, and they need to settle down and start a family. It's kind of the same thing. I don't think that if I choose to not sign up for the whole R/M thing again that it means that I'm angry, jaded, or bitter. I think it could just be that I see the game for what it is and don't want to play again.

Now, I'm not there yet. Both because I haven't made that iron clad decision, and because I know I haven't processed enough to know how I'll feel in a year or three. My only point is that I think that healing and sorting through emotions is one thing, and that it is totally segregated about whether I choose that partnering up with someone is in my future or not. As long as people make the assumption that the end result of healing is another relationship people may assume I'm angry or bitter, when I might be doing better than a lot of people that are rebounding to try to avoid doing the work of grieving.

Just my thoughts for the night. I sure hope no one feels judged because lord knows I'm not aiming commentary at anyone's choices. If I didn't think the world of all of you I wouldn't be putting this all out there. While I used the rebounding as an example I am certainly not saying that those of you dating are rebounding. And Mozza and Sotto, again, I really see the benefit of managing your own narrative, if anything I'm trying to find a way to take the part of your quote that is effective and make it jive with my views.