New here and separated

[Coly23]

Hi everyone, I've just joined the DB forum and like most newbies I am very confused with the whole DBng. I've bought DR which I am currently reading but would love some help with where I am at the moment.

My husband walked out in May this year. It wasn't a complete shock as he had indicated during an argument between Christmas and New Year that he thought we should split up as he didn't love me anymore and didn't think he ever loved me. Didn't think we had anything in common, I like gardening (what!) and he likes sports and he hasn't felt like himself for a long time. He wants to be free to be able to do want he wants, go where he wants. To be able to pack a bag at short notice and go away with friends for the weekend. Off course I went ballistic and told him we should try and save our marriage but he didn't say anything to this and made no attempt to leave. During this time I tried to keep the peace but he became very withdrawn and refused to talk any more, no sex only a cuddle when I asked. I gave him a lot more scope to do what he wanted like play golf every weekend and tried to be considerate and upbeat as much as I could but it wasn't enough. During an R conversation I once asked him what he planned to do and waited for half an hour for him to respond to no avail and then I gave up. I kept asking if he wanted to leave and he eventually said yes but he wasn't sure when or how as he hadn't planned anything. Eventually after a family party where he was so miserable and didn't talk to me all evening, I told him if he wanted to go then he should and he got so mad he walked out that night and stayed in a hotel.

I off course begged and pleaded for him to come home but he refused. He stayed with family and friends for a couple of weeks and then temporarily stayed in a friend's flat which he has now had to move out of as the new tenants are moving in. He is now staying in the home of those same friends and has signed a rental agreement for another flat.

At the beginning when I asked if we could try again he kept saying not at the moment, this is not for me. All his friends are confused as no one knew that he was struggling as he is not a good communicator. Most of them he won't speak to or see as he says all they will want to do is talk about why this has happened so consequently he spends most of his weekends either at the golf course or sitting around in his own.

My daughter, his step daughter, sees him one day a week and that is only because I organise it. He hasn't done anything except to keep throwing money at her to ease his guilt. He comes over to our house to see her in the evening after work for dinner as she would prefer to spend time with her friends at the weekend than him. It is hard for me but I am getting better at 'acting as if' when he is around, but I've decided I'm not arranging anything anymore, he can take on that responsibility. Last week I noticed he had removed his wedding ring and when I asked him why he said he never wanted to wear one in the first place like a petulant child! I said that it felt like I had held him prisoner for six years and he said it wasn't like that. I said it must have been considering he said he didn't think he ever loved me and he started back pedalling saying that he didn't say that. I then mistakenly started talking about the R and the fact that we both made a commitment and although I am not begging him to come home maybe we could start building our relationship back up. This time he didn't say anything about this not being for him but said that he didn't want any timeline on it when I suggested we use the end of his lease to see how it is going. I also found out from his best friend's wife, who are the only ones who can get anything out of him, that he has taken on the flat for a year but is trying to negotiate it down to six months. But when I asked him about the length of the lease, even though I knew, he said he hadn't had the final paperwork so was not sure.

I am so confused because to me that sounds positive but he has made no real effort. A couple of weeks ago when we found out he still intended to rent a flat both me and my daughter became really upset and we both sent him a few messages to say how disappointed we were and then we ignored him when he keep saying to my daughter that it will get better! He said he didn't understand why we were behaving like that as we knew he needed his space and he thought things were going well with him coming over once a week. Although he has been offering to buy takeaways for us when he comes over and has been bringing a bottle of wine for me I'm not sure what it means. Does that sound positive or is he just being friendly? My friends think we are letting him have the best of both worlds and we should just leave him to realise what it is like to be seperated. I am trying to go 'dark' with him and have stopped texting him unless it is about my daughter or the house. Can someone tell me if I am going in the right direction? I don't get any signs from him at all to show that he wants to try but maybe the coming over with wind etc is his way, what do you think? Sorry for the long post!

Me - 46 - 2nd marriage
H - 44 - 1st marriage
D - 15
M- 6
Separated - May 16