I was too wimpy to even shift gears on the motorcycle... it would not have been a good thing to ride over the weekend. My dad did hook me up with some kind of weird horse muscle rehabilitation gel/oil stuff though, and it's working miracles on the leg, I'm walking without pain, it's just limited range of motion on that leg. --- I forgot to mention that some neighborhood friends (a couple) swung by Saturday night and had some drinks on the patio. I didn't really want to talk about the D, but they literally just came by to talk to me because they'd noticed my W is never around anymore, and thought they'd offer up some neighborhood friendliness. I told them briefly what was going on, what happened, etc. and somehow the conversation kept coming back to (paraphrasing), "well, it sounds to us like you don't really want your W back unless there are some serious changes - that she doesn't seem willing to commit to... are you ready to move on?" --- It's still very bothersome thinking about my W and me. Of course I would love to have that future I envisioned with her, the one where we actually continue to work on bettering an already amazing marriage... but I just don't see this happening at all. Then the reality monster comes to visit and say "you know what you need to do."... I've said before, I understand where I'm at, and I'm okay with it. It's sad that I'm happier living alone right now than I have been with her around for a long time. I'm happier without THIS version of her, and since I can't predict THE OTHER version of her, the one I want in my life, is ever going to exist again, I know it's time to move on. I've known it's time, I think I'm going through the phases in a zigzag fashion. --- I know I'll be fine; sh1t, I'll probably be filled with exuberance and endless possibilities of what to make of my future... I'll be able to focus on things that matter most to me, which was non-existent while W was around, because her wants/needs always took priority over mine...
I'm looking forward to all of this, but I can't sit here and lie to myself, to you all - I can't run away from my feelings... It's still hurts like hell right now... I'm still processing my own sadness; it won't go away over night. I know this.
"I'm so happy, and so sad... It's like a perfect storm of emotions"
