For those of you nice enough to have been following along, our family trip to the beach went ok for the most part. D12 had a friend with her so didn't need or want too much Dad (or Mom) time. But I got a lot of great bonding with S9, though. Swimming, we dug a huge hole, took him biking a bunch, ice cream -- pretty great.
It was a weird week with my wife. After not having sex for nearly a month, she initiated things the first morning we were there. I went along, which probably isn't DB-approved. It wasn't particularly great (fairly awkward, no eye contact), but I've been so lonely and increasingly more sex-obsessed, I wasn't able to resist. Afterward, she said something like "two years is a long time [referencing the outside timing she's come up with for when the kids will be "ready" to handle us divorcing] to go without some meaningless sex", so that cast an immediate pall on the proceedings. Most of the rest of the week was her pulling back from there. I so wanted to push but for the most part resisted the temptation.
This is microcosmic of a lot our relationship right now. She'll take a step toward me, and then retreat into coldness/distance. It's gotten really predictable, to the point where I know even as the step toward is happening that it will be followed, and usually pretty quickly, with the distancing. Yesterday was a good example. We returned home to a mountain of chores and cranky kids (aside: am I the only one who almost loses his mine when a kid who's been at the beach all week complains of boredom within the first hour of getting home?), and she started going through all of the things she had to do Monday AM (today) when she got into the office. She started to get stressed out and opened up about how hard she finds life and about how hard it's been for a long time. We had an hour+ conversation where I pretty much just listened and validated. She needed to get to the grocery and wanted to take a run before it got too hot out, so there were ample reasons for her to break the conversation off, but she kept at it. As she's talking, I'm thinking in the back of my mind, just listen, be present, validate, then don't pursue even though you'll really want to, and be ready for the rebound push-away. Sure enough, after the grocery and her run, the Frost was back and stuck around all afternoon and evening. Got the arm pat with weird look this AM when she left for work, so I'm assuming it's still there. I was at least ready for it, but it is still painful. Sustained progress would be so great but seems a million miles away.
I took D12 to summer camp this AM about an hour away where she'll be for a week. As is typical, I got choked up when she walked away, and I started thinking about how horrendous it will be when I have to do that again and again after shared custody starts.
On the GAL front, I have my first personal training appointment tomorrow after work. I'm up to 150-200 pushups/day now. My application to audit a class this semester at the college in our town was approved (wife said "That's cool" when she say my acceptance letter), so I'm going to start looking the catalog over and seeing what looks interesting. I'm gravitating toward something in the psychology area but need to make sure it will work with work and kid schedules. And I have my orientation meeting to start volunteering for Habitat for Humanity soon. So all of that is going well.
This is such a roller coaster, with the lows still a lot worse and more prevalent than the highs. Just trying to keep plugging away and not fall apart. I think it is still very much the case that I am the one hoping we can salvage things over this "1-2 years", while she sees it as a 1-2 year period she just has to get through before finally getting what she (thinks) she wants.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
