Newby here, desperate for some advice

[AndrewP]

JRuss - one thing to consider - this was a comment I heard from my W years ago about a friend of her's whose husband was also a lawyer and how they had problems communicating. Work hard on not using your "lawyer voice" when talking to your W. Most people can find that confrontational and intimidating. Perhaps find another voice, that of a caring friend who wants to listen to use.

Also - yes - you are a lawyer - but I'm sure you don't want to have a fool for a client ;-) Just because the law says one thing about how a D works doesn't mean that is the way it goes once the process starts. In our area we have a process called "collaborative law" where the parties negotiate out an equitable settlement. It may or may not work for you but would be worth exploring. One thing that I learned in my own research is that there are lots of options available and everything is open to negotiation. In fact one main thing I felt after my own research is that divorce is less a legal issue than a commercial one.

[JRuss]

Thanks, Andrew. My wife is actually a lawyer, too, so she doesn't sweat my lawyer voice too much. And I'm used to hearing hers.

My plan is actually to talk confidentially to one of my partners here who does divorce work for a living when I get back from vacation. Mainly about things I definitely don't want to do in terms of any future custody issues. For example, I know that moving out is a big no-no if you're the H because it can be spun to look like you're abandoning the children. But I'm sure there are other things I'm not aware of and could blunder into doing.

[AndrewP]

One big thing that I've always believed in is "document that which you wish to prove". The corollary of that being of course "don't document that which you don't want waved in your face". In this day and age "document" has a wide reach depending on how keen the assistant is while doing discovery.

From my own reading (I've taken some courses but am not a L) it largely boils down to "don't be an @ss". So don't block access to marital resources especially the marital home which in this area has a special status in the law. This also includes not emptying the bank account or moving assets to another party. With that said I've put alerts on all of our accounts so that I know within seconds of any transaction over a certain dollar value. I also know how to lock the funds down so it requires 2 signatures for any transaction and how to cancel her part of our joint credit card within minutes. Having strings on all of these levers makes me feel better that "she" won't do anything too damaging. I just make sure to act surprised when W mentions to me banking/spending that she has done that I knew about hours earlier. I've also changed my will putting clauses in place that invalidate any of her claims if we are separated or divorced assigning them instead to our adult children.

In my case my W is in full paranoia mode some days and even though she is quite smart I'm reasonably sure that she hasn't taken similar steps herself. You can't trust that your's hasn't done that though.

It's amazing how helpful and sympathetic people like bank managers can be when approached by a LBH with a request for a confidential bit of information.

Good luck.

[JRuss]

Thanks, Andrew -- really appreciate it.

[Buxom]

Hang in there. Hoping you have a peaceful weekend! Anything fun planned?

[Cristy]

Hello JRuss,

I'm guessing you will see this when you return from your family trip to the beach. I'm hopeful that it was a wonderful time with your kids and that you enjoyed focusing all of your time, effort and energy on them.

You are so smart to recognize that talking about the relationship with your wife isn't helpful, just the opposite. How has detaching and validating been going?

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[srt]

Hi JRuss, just dropping by to give you some encouragement, my W and sitch are surprisingly similar.

All I can say is do the work like the others suggest - it's the only thing that will stop you crippling yourself in self pity. I now look and feel better about myself than in years - my sitch however had not progressed much. It's a long road.

Take care

[ForGump]

JRuss, I was glad to find your posts because so many things you wrote ring so true for my situation. But as my own thoughts formed in reaction to your stories, I realize that most, if not all, of what I would say to you also apply to me -- and that makes me sad because I don't feel much hope for your situation.

First, though, I have to marvel at how much physical intimacy there was between you two until the last minute. However perfunctory it may have been, it still means, somehow, that her heart was still in the marriage. Compare that to how, now she doesn't really want to touch you.

But it's also amazing how quickly the heart can shut its doors.

Looking at you, I realize my own fate. Analyzing how your wife fell out of love could be helpful to a small extent, but I think it almost doesn't matter how she fell out of love. Now that she's fallen out of love, there's no way to force her to retrace her steps.

The only small hope for us, is the possibility that she might fall in love with you. But that's not recapitulating a past process. She needs to fall in love with you afresh. If you're lucky -- and if you're strong -- you might have a year or two for her to consider falling in love with you. But that time cuts both ways: a caged bird resents the cage.

Let her go. That's what I'm trying to tell myself. But it crushes me.

[JRuss]

Thank to everyone who posted in my thread while I was away. I'm going to start a new thread -- seems like a good time given the length of this one.

[sandi2]

I still routinely spend too much energy wondering if any of it is being noticed, and I know that's a recipe for continued suffering.

Just have the attitude of "goodie-goodie, can't touch this".