Detaching.....nearly there..

[Buxom]

Sorry, don't know why all my posts are doubling up. Moderators, can you fix??

[betterm]

Sorry, don't know why all my posts are doubling up.

Don't want to take up much of the thread... but are you posting from your phone? I had same problem while posting from my phone the best "fix" was to use the "full reply screen" instead of using "quick reply" at the bottom... it recognizes the double-post and doesn't allow the duplicate anymore.

[Surfer]

Thanks. The holiday will be a nightmare. Need to GAL during this period.

[MoveFrwd]

I normally just look through her and validate in an 'I'm not listening and you know it way'.

The whole point of validating is about listening and understanding. If you are coming across as her knowing you aren't paying attention, then you aren't validating regardless of the words you are saying.

Without more concrete examples, it's difficult to give advice. But if advise not to do as you are describing....

[RSG]

Yeah Surfer, I had the same problem for a while but got the hang of it. Validating is confirming you have heard and know what she is uneasy about regardless of your feelings on the situation. "I understand you are uncomfortable about this..." and the like. Likely (like my WW) she has felt "unheard" by you because you offered solutions to the problems she's talking about rather than just listening. I don't quite understand this myself, but I continue to read this fact about women in all sorts of areas so didn't question it!

As of now, from her POV you're basically ignoring her.....which she's probably felt for a while. You don't have to like a word she says, but always try to confirm to her that you have heard what she has an issue with.

Good luck! It's hard to begin with, but you get the hang of it.

[Surfer]

OK. I feel detached again today, which is good. Spoke to WW about seeing the kids for an extra day this week as they are away for 10 days soon which will be hard. She is all on board but when I called her about it, it was all 'bile', 'spew' etc mostly about how nobody cares about how she feels etc. I validated etc but the phone went down twice so I have left her to calm down. I then got a text saying 'tell me what you want (re:kids) no point in talking any more'.

Any ideas? I am trying to get her to talk to me, focusing on listening etc. I think she is in a guilt/anger/resentment cycle, following a good convo. last night. Why - its seems to be because she is having to work during the summer holidays and the kids are guilt tripping her. I get blamed for this because it is my fault she 'had to take this job' (no my pay was very much sufficient for her not to work). It is also my fault that she chose to leave our house and 'go live in a pokey 2 bedroom house'. Obviously this is not true either - but I validate - she is reinventing history and forgetting that she 'chose' these things.

Any thoughts on how to handle this would be good. I am very calm and happy but I struggle with this 'drama'.

[Surfer]

Also, I have another problem. When the WW (who is presumably no longer in an EA - she did stop, I am sure) wants me to have the kids on certain days my mind goes over and over worrying if she is trying to get certain dates free so she can be with wayward friends or potentially an OM. Not sure what to do about this - i.e. not care, interrogate, say no etc. Perhaps try not to worry about it. Her time is hers etc. Perhaps more positive self talk rather than negative....?

[Surfer]

Spoke to her and again got my head straight on validating [thanks Darkness and RSG]. She eventually got that I could hear her and understand that she feels I am not listening and that was something I need to work on. She agreed and said she would need to see this though as she basically can't trust that I will listen (talk is cheap afterall). So some positive...

[Surfer]

Definitely confused. Lots of discussion yesterday lunchtime from WW about you never listen to me (called to sort out access with kids). She was very emotional so I listen and say I hear her. She tells me this 'distancing (by Surfer)' is not helping, she needs me to work with her (on a D). I drop her a text later in the day to see how she is doing and ask her a Kids based fact. No response (perhaps texting an OM?? - see earlier) last night but one early AM - just covering the kids. She is struggling to talk about anything other than the kids. If she doesn't want to talk, but is saying I don't listen and won't is this just 'fog', guilt based 'story', justification for 'actions' etc? Not sure - starting to annoy me though so time to detach as much as I can. Supposed to be going to see the kids swimming tonight - she will be there (I will take the kids home after). Thought it might a good to see her too and see if we can connect a little but not sure thats a good idea really. Detaching whilst wanting to connect too....its hard. Need to keep it about seeing the kids and not being needy as such.

[betterm]

When the WW wants me to have the kids on certain days my mind goes over and over worrying if she is trying to get certain dates free so she can be with wayward friends or potentially an OM. Not sure what to do about this - i.e. not care, interrogate, say no etc. Perhaps try not to worry about it. Her time is hers etc. Perhaps more positive self talk rather than negative....?

Might sound simpler than it is, but it's up to you. If it makes sense and Surfer is available on the days she's asking to take them, then agree to it. If those days don't work out for Surfer, don't agree to it. But whatever you do, agree or disagree based on Surfer's life, not based on how WW is going to spend those days... If she offers you take kinds Sat-Tue because she wants to schedule for her wayward lifestyle, and you decline and take the days Wed-Sat, she will alter her wayward schedule to fit. You can't think like this decision is advocating or condoning her actions as a WW... think for yourself.

Also, I see a lot of "projecting" in your posts... It seems she <this>, It's because she <that>, If I do this then she'll do <that>.... the only thing that I see constant here, is that she is wayward, and you will never be able to predict her actions, or understand what/why she's doing these things, and that's why you shouldn't be focusing your life/actions based on her at all.

Your WW sounds a lot like mine during the early stages of our D process. Everything was my fault, "THE WHOLE THING", from getting married to the wrong person, to staying married, to her not trusting me, and our crumbling relationship... it was all my fault. MC told her differently, IC has told her differently, and she still to this day will tell me this is all my fault. Truth be told, at one point I actually believed her, but no more. This is a two-way street, and until she finds what underlying cause of what's causing her to act this way (if she ever does), it's not my/your concern on trying to prove anything differently, even though it's not "all our fault". She will not believe anything you say, don't even try, it makes things worse (in my case and many others I've read on here).

She tells me this 'distancing (by Surfer)' is not helping,

After my W filed for D, I can't tell you how many times I heard my WW tell me "what you're doing is only driving me further away from you, it's only making me want to leave you even more." This used to get my hopes up like "oh, maybe she doesn't want to leave the M", this false positive always just made my life harder, and ended in more hurt (as sandi says, you can't believe a damn word she says)... It wasn't until I responded to her with "you filed for D, there is no further apart, and I don't plan on trying to close the gap between us anymore," she really started to see the D for what it really was, and I was more or less done in "pursuing her".

It's impossible to understand her actions, and you're right in wondering why she's nice one minute, and raging the next... but this is a lost cause, you can't show her X (or get her to X), she's going to have to come to those terms herself, and that could take a while, if ever.

so time to detach as much as I can.

how do you plan to accomplish this?