Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...

[Phoebe]

Hello, SH! I'm doing terribly with the TEDtalks, actually, just as I'm struggling with the damn financial paperwork. I've been staring at it for days, worked on in a couple weeks ago to no avail, and tonight I've been working on it for the last 7 hours. SO much to sort out and sort through and go locate and realize I don't have, and, and, and...

It's no fun whatsoever, and my procrastination skills have many many years of being honed, so... Plainly I'm here taking a break and procrastinating, instead of working on them right this very moment. Honestly, though, It's after 4 am and I am sick and tired of it all. The only problem is that I promised them to my L by tomorrow. That's not going to happen, at least not in the first half of the day.

Crud.

WHat helps even less is that it's just been a crummy day all around.

I received some mail last night from my H's L about attempting service, and what bothered me a whole lot was that H perjured himself in the affidavit he signed. He swore it was truthful that our home here is a "vacation property." I'd like to hear about all the vacations we took to our own home. If this place is a vacation, then I need to go back to work so I can have some time off. I work my tail off here, and this was our full time home for all of 2015. Of course he also signed a statement that I gradually began to spend more time at the vacation property before separation. All bullsh1t. I was following him around like a dog before separation, which is in itself, nonsense. Running away from home does not equal separation in my book. That would be abandonment, not separation.

Anyway, that and a few other choice whoppers made me upset before bed, so I had terrible dreams all night long of dead and dying cats and kittens, and reminders of H's treachery in the form of a "for sale" sign placed right outside the front window at the farm, and more fun dream stuff. It was awful and the threat to my farm and the cats really put me over the top. The result was that I woke up angry, which is extremely unusual for me, and that feeling kept bubbling up throughout the day.

It had me beating up on L-friend and just generally on edge all day, to the point that I ended up taking Xanax for the first time in weeks just to cut the anger when I found myself starting to hyperventilate while I was sitting all by myself in a quiet room. Not good. L-freind is really a trooper. I apologized and I cried, and was all over the map, and he just hung in there and offered comfort. Of course, maybe it was the homemade dinner that won him over? We also went for a bike ride, and I ran a bunch of errands with him early on in the day, so I wasn't all bad. I just felt that way.

Anyway, it's been a marginal kind of day and it is apparently not ending any time soon. 4:20 and all is not particularly well. Nor is it particularly awful. What is it is a gosh darn BOTHER, and I want to go to bed. Soon I'll call it, well not good-enough, but as done as it's getting until I get some shut-eye.

Back to work.

SH, I may finally be able to put your stay up all night sleep reset to the test!

I hope that everyone is well today.

I can't wait to talk to my therapist tomorrow. I saw him twice last week, and I'm still up to my eyeballs in this mess. I am overwhelmed, over-scheduled, and over-paperworked, and generally wish this was all over already, yet the D part of the journey has just barely begun. Oy veh.