WAW, bouts of anger still spewing, awaiting the D.

[SH_]

(((SH)))

Admittedly I have not been good about keeping up on following my peeps here lately, as this summer has been nuts. I woke up early this morning and thought, "I need to see how SH is doing," and then I read this. Not only did you reference my posts, but I have been having those same thoughts lately! What a nice connection :-)

As you know, one of the reasons that I came to DB land after this time, is that I can see in hindsight what worked and more so what did NOT work! I keep reading threads where the LBS is trying to win back their spouse, only doing things to see results, and constantly looking behind their shoulder. It's as if they want an automatic response, when in fact, that impatience exudes weakness. It's how I feel when my iPhone jams up and I have to restart it--oh, come on! I don't have 30 seconds to waste before reading that email!!!

Let's not forget that we are all human. We are complex, evolved, intelligent, AND have 20, 30, 60, etc, years of emotional history. As do our spouses. It took us a long time to get to where we are (whether we knew it was happening or not) and it could take much longer to get to where we want to be. I think the reason this board is so awesome, is because we can keep reminding each other of that. When we are in pain or spinning, it is most difficult to make rational decisions. I believe the fog of the LBS is much thicker than the waywards' fogs.

So I completely agree with you my friend. DB is about finding yourself, loving yourself, healing, detachment, 180s, and GAL for YOU. I admire you, SH, because you get it. It's frustrating and hard to accept that we cannot influence (or control) our spouses. We want to shake some sense into them! We cannot. That is why the most uccessful DBers IMO understand that they are giving us a gift. The gift is TIME. And I feel entitled to say that because I didn't use my time wisely. It's much harder to "DB" and heal while piecing.

You get it, SH, and for that you are successful. I was only successful in that my H came back, but that was his choice. Now I have been making my choices for this last 15 months, while still wiping the dew off my lenses. So when I look at H and think "Really, dude? Really? You actually DID that!?!", I have to try and understand if it is coming from my emotional place or if this M may not in fact be what I want.

Not sure how much sense that made. Time for another cup of coffee.

(((SH))) thank you for getting it straight and thank you for being here. You deserve wonderful things.

-Blu

Blu, I was excited to have you post here on my thread and check in with me. I know what you mean by the busyness of this summer. My d17, work and just all the stuff I gotta get done has made the time past quickly and many things that I want to get done get pushed back. Like keeping up here and journaling and trying to help others survive the BD.

I know you are right in that each of us has our own history of emotional evolution that can blind us as we go through our challenges. I have been looking inward with vigor, persistence and dread to figure out my part in it all as well as to correct those loose ends that get me into trouble.
This may be the combination of why I struggle here of late.
I lived and experienced what it took to slow down and even stop the spinning. I know how hard it was to do it, but I know how important it is for my daughters, my family and friends and for my own stability mentally and physically.
I am no superhero, nor DB expert and I have a long way to go, but I sat with an IC and basically convinced him that I was clinically depressed because I was so lost at that time, and may have been my whole life.
And now I sit here and look back and doubt that I have suffered from clinical depression ever in my life. I have quirks, I am an introvert, I am the one that prefers a quiet night at home as opposed to going out to a social event with lots of folks. But I can look myself in the eyes and say that the BD did something to me that I cannot explain, and I got through it with the DR from MWD and some very good people here in this community.
Funny thing, is I was looking to save my M, and find the way to do so when I read DR and got a DB coach, (which I still have 2 sessions left, just not sure how to use them) only to see everything go down hill fast and furious with the WAW. It was the information for DBing that made me realize that the goal needed to be to get myself back together as soon as possible to help myself and then maybe, just maybe she may become interested.

But the sentence that I paused on when I read it in her book was "Although its true that many marriages do end in divorce, just because your marriage is really fragile right now doesn't mean your have to be a statistic. There are many people that beat the odds. Although the LRT doesn't always work, it works often enough for you to be eager to give it a shot."

But after MWD explains the LRT, the next part that made me pause and really take stock of what I needed to do what where she says " One of three things happens when you use the LRT.
The first is nothing. Unfortunately, there are many times when, no matter what you do, your spouse has firmly shut the door on your M. I tell you this because I don't want you to think that this is a magic bullet. It isn't. However, even if your M doesn't improve when you do the LRT, your mental health will. I promise you."

I knew then that the goal was to ensure that my mental health would be in a good place by following the things that she outlined. This is the WIN WIN solution. What is there not to understand here?

Anyway, I ramble on and am not making much point other than, I know that just because I was able to shorten my path of pain and distress, that it is only my path. Others must choose and follow their own path. Some will take the advice her and from MWD and they will find a bright future in the not so far distance. Others will follow a longer path that may lead to more challenges down the road. But it is not for me to judge nor force upon anyone.

My plan is to pull back a bit, on my advice giving and focus on words of an encouraging and moral support type for those that are struggling. I will have to fight the urge to smack them in the head and say, "listen up bub! Quit running headfirst into that wall. The door is down the other way, and even though you can't see it because it is dark, just listen to those that are there and calling for you to come on down and walk through. Because my friend, that wall ain't moving anytime soon, and the only way to the other side is through the door that you are ignoring right now. All that you will gain by going to the door is some life time to enjoy and some mental and emotional peace of mind."
Ugh, that probably came out sarcastic...

I do wish that more LBS when they come here for help, actually would take it. More success stories here, may not scare off others that never join because they see some drawn out horror stories. That by the way was me when I first peeked in here. 2 stories LBS that'd been here a long time, and clearly in a deep state of depression and not taking the good advice of Dbing. I jumped out fast, because I needed help, not more fear. But the crisis outweighed my first impression and I am glad that it did.
Great folks here and enough success stories to poke through.

And there I go rambling again.

Thank you Blu for your support. Thank you for sharing your story and struggles, but more importantly you share how you are pushing through and taking the steps needed for success. Thank you for your kind words on my success and understanding of DBing, even though the success is in my mental health as unfortunately I found DB to late to give my M a good shot of avoiding D. I still have some hope held out that time will clear some fog for my STBX. But my focus will remain on making me a better Man, Father and H and let time decide the fate in a not to far distant moment.

I look forward to hearing from you soon BluWave and I know that step-by-step you will arrive at that blissful point where things will be in place to enjoy from the bottom of your heart.