Keeps getting worse, 180 not working

[Buxom]

Thanks surfer, I feel you do understand the push and pull of wanting peace thru detachment but without the disconnection. It is a horrible curse and it's no wonder I stayed in denial so long!! WH had a long affair of two years PA and then two more of EA, the b!ich would not let go!!! He seemed like my guy again after rehab and thru my cancer treatments. We were closer than had been in years, then this new A starts and he's right back into MLC. I know for a fact he's with her now as he told me the AA gang was going to support another member in a play today. He even reminded me of it as I was leaving yesterday. I have to wonder what he wants from me? Then I think, regardless, what do I need to do for me cos he's gonna do what he's gonna do. I wish it was like the USA and that I could lock him out of the house. He won't leave and said he'd make it hard for me to stay. I wonder tho what kind of message they get (their perspective) on the way we are responding to this. I get all tied in knots over whether he might take an approach that further damages the marriage and other times I wonder if in near done. The latter makes me cry.

I did go for a walk, read outside and picked berries. Too windy to bike ride today. The reading is dbing and alanon which helps to detach. I struggle with some of it cos I've been a dormant and some strategies sound doormat like. Do you have similar struggles with the strategies?