Lost at the moment (2)

[lfm]

It's been almost 5 months since I uncoverd my WW's PA, and her A with the OM has been going on for around 8 months (which I know is not very long in the grand scheme of things). With that said, I've done a lot of thinking over the past several days, a couple of which where my wife was out of town with our three youngest kids, and I found I didn't miss her at all. As I've thought about the past several years together, I realize that I don't actually love my wife anymore, I loved the idea of her.

What I mean by that is that I love the idea of someone being there to help take care of the kids and house and to talk to, but the more I think about it, we truly are nothing more than friends with occaissional benefits at least that is what we had become. The "benifits" part of that statement don't really exist anymore since BD.

Anyway... based on this realization, I've decided that I'm going to start working on getting my affairs in order so that I can file for D. It may be a couple of months off before I can actully file as I've got some financial related items to address before filing, and I'll need to work on figuring out the car situation as my WW actually owns the car I drive, so i know that won't be someting I can rely on for transportation once a D is finalized.

I have to say that coming to the realization that I'm going to file for D is really a relief, I don't feel sad about it like I thought I would. And yes I've given this decisions significantly more than the 72 hour waiting period that we all talk about before making big decisions. That doesn't mean I won't have days where I have doubts about it being the right decision, but I realilze I want to be with someone who wants to be 100% committed to me, and I don't know that I can ever have that with my W. I don't think we've been 100% committed to each other for a long time, we've just been going through the motions of being married. Her A has just helped me realize how far off we actually are, and I don't see a future anymore where we are together. I do feel bad for our kids as I'm not sure how exactly they will handle the news when we tell them.

I've asked my wife to have us sit down with them this next weekend to let them know that we're having some marriage issues and that we very well likely may end up divorcing. She seems open to the idea, so we'll see how that goes.

I'll continue to pop in periodically to provide updates on my sitch and personal development progress as the things I've learned from the board and all of you are things that will carry with me for the rest of my life and will only help me be the best lfm I can be, whether I'm alone or find someone else. Thanks all for your support over the past several months. I've found this board to be a true source of inspiration and support, and I wish all of you the best as you go forward.