Keeps getting worse, 180 not working

[Surfer]

Buxom, if it helps please feel reassured that I do really understand. I am going through exactly the same today. At times I manage to feel 'free' of what seems to be a horrible curse (everything you describe 'anxiety etc') if feel like I have detached but then realise I have not. I know really that I am slowly getting there and I therefore know you are too. I also suspect like me, in a way, you really don't want to detach. Because you want to re-attach with your H. I want the same with my W. I think this is normal. You are like two trees with intertwined roots. It takes a long time to disengage I suspect. But don't forget you are detaching from the anxiety not from him as such. That makes a lot of sense and of course you would want to - who 'wants' to feel anxious?

I guess the wayward spouse seems able to do this because they do it when they become wayward. H 'did' it, you still are 'in a process' but it's hard I understand - when all you want is a reflection of the love you feel for them. However, you are not going to get that right now so expecting it is only hurting you and the saddest part is that you end up hurting yourself. I find that you also start thinking it's all your fault too (or certainly take on too much of the blame - not that there should be any if you can cope with that). I guess forgiving and giving less of a cr@p - zero expectations, as you say, is a good plan.

Also, don't forget you want him to change, and if he has still not, then you probably don't want this version of him. Give it time (and him) and most importantly give yourself time.

In terms of getting back to relaxing, what about reading, walking, biking etc. Have you done any of that today? Does it help? I find reading works - problem is all I want to read about is DB'ing and self help at the moment - I would have seen all that as silly nonsense reading a few years ago! 😄