Just needing to put some stuff down and walk away from it, if you all don't mind.

I am hormonal and a little (well maybe a squidge more than a little) all over the place and often the works of my internal landscape tend to explode externally in these times. I try to control it, keep it in check, but for the life of me, it comes spilling out and all over. I hate for myself for it because it is sad and ugly and hurts the people and a particular person (My Special Someone- Mr S).

I knew that being with someone new would bring all the joys and intimacies that had been missing over the course of grieving my last relationship with Mr Ex. And it has tenfold and more. More than I could have anticipated even. I am different, I am better, less broken in so many ways. Yes it is coming, there is a BUT, there are still some fundamental broken pieces that for the life of me I can't seem to get past.

So I am obviously with a man, who I feel amazing emotional safety with. I feel safe to express my anger, sweet sadness and even little miss bossy and little miss crazy with. And know he will love me regardless and not leave me. But the emotional overwhelm that happens after truly expressing these shadow parts of my personality and psyche, creates angst for both of us.

I think ( and would be happy for people's opinion's on this) that I haven't quite cultivated a way to manage the intimacy and expressed love and care that comes to me from him when he listens, supports, apologizes, and loves me.

I have observed of myself that I get triggered into a high level of emotional drama, which is so unwarranted and frustrating and surprising. I had my need met why the drama.

I remember reading a book by Patricia Allen and she used an example of young woman who always ended up escalating to crying and upset every time she asked her partner to meet a need. I feel like this is what I am doing. Only I am able to initially express the emotional ''I feel disappointed that we didn't spend time together all week", and I can say " I would feel good, happy in fact if we could make more time this week'. And then he says " yes I have felt the same, lets do better this week". And then all hell breaks loose me for me.

Then I barrage him with " so this is what was triggered for me this week because of the lack of time together"....imagine 30 minute account of every emotion I experienced related to said issue - with me in emotional heightened state.

I think I have worked it out enough to know that the trigger is feelings of abandonment and not being prioritized. Neither which has occurred. Rationally I know, but little JellyB is triggered by this I know, spent a year in therapy getting to this, so know what is occurring and why. But why the externalised punishment to the man I love and why the high level of emotion and drama.

Is it punishment, or am I so relief to have someone available I trust and care for to soothe the emotional trigger, because the interaction doesn't soothe, it in fact makes me feels worse. Sometimes I think I talk to much about how I feel and that is the trigger to really crawling inside the feeling.

I acknowledge that right now, this behaviour presents only when I am hormonal or triggered to it by my depression by other life stressors. The rest of the time I am fine.

The other thing I have noticed, is that I am not so prone to triggering if he tells me in advance when time together isn't going to happen, I can go for days without seeing or talking to him. But I do need emotional reconnection to happen quickly when we reunite or I end up in high emotion, high drama.

All these behaviours, presence of high drama and emotion scare me. They are old ways of functioning in relationship for me, and while the unconscious need to engage in them may never leave me, I want to be able to contain them, tame them, so they don't ruin, what I think could be an amazing relationship with a wonderful man.

Help!!

JellyBxxx

PS I know I am taking more than I am giving to the DB board right now. Sorry.