The lie continues...

[CT1118]

Something happened in me today. I would guess it has been happening and maybe just arrived today. While reading MWD's books, the 180's, this site I had been pondering the concept of "do something different". Clearly above, I tired that with communication and it was mostly working, but was just beginning. And I am not sure if what I am experiencing today is normal, is final, or just part of the ride. But last night I thought about my views of the A and my WW and I asked myself what could I do different?
I have been so angry. I have been so very very angry at WW, at the AP, at myself. I have been so obsessed in thinking about WW, AP, and myself. Its done me no good. My GAL's have been working, but sometimes they are just momentarily distracting. I've seen friends, but they leave or I do at some point. I've spent hours at work, ducking into my office to read this site, some other sites, or books on this subject of A and get myself educated. And I work with my IC weekly. That stuff is all different behavior from me compared to where I was 6 months ago, but it was my reply to someone's post earlier this week that gave me my answer. I realized I had to forgive.

So I woke up this morning and I felt a little different about myself. I realized I was not obsessively thinking of WW and the A. I thought to myself, "I accept all of this is happening and no matter what I do for myself and how I speak with WW, I have no control over her decisions. But I accept control for myself and I will not be angry about this any more. I will protect my boundaries, my space, and my heart from here forward". I really felt better thinking that. I showered, dressed, cleaned, played guitar, read this site, and otherwise began my day.

So at late morning I had to drive out to WW's place and drop off some money which was needed for S4 to participate in a pre-K next week (she has S4 on Saturdays). I knew WW and I would talk, but today I was not planning what I would say, how I would 180, what I would give etc. I was going in unrehearsed and felt fine about that. Decided to trust myself enough to know who I am, when I am. I got there and she had not really seen me on a weekend in the past few weeks since the 4th. We said hello and then WW stepped back and look at me. She mentioned how nice my shirt was, she liked my new watch, and how absolutely cute I looked. I simply said "thank you". Then we spoke about the school thing the money was for and she stopped in mid-sentence and said "seriously, you look great. how come you did not dress this well when we were together?" All I did was stare at her, not sure for how long, not with anger, not even sure if I was offering an expression other than my resting face. Then she apologized and began something about "I didn't mean.." and I just held up my hand as if to say don't bother.

Thing is, in that moment, I realized I didn't care anymore. I don't mean like an "I'm sick of this BS" don't care, I don't mean like an "I'm going to ignore this and let it roll off my back" don't care, I mean I felt nothing. I felt nothing and that felt great. Peculiar, but great. I'm still feeling this way now as I write. I don't care anymore and for me that means if we R again one day it's fine, if MR or ML again one day its fine, if we D then that's what happens. I finally feel free of my fear and my anger. I must have hit the bottom of my ability to withstand my emotions on this. Not really sure, but while I still don't want a D, if that's where this leads, I know now I am better prepared to handle it emotionally.

The woman I have loved for over 22 years still exists. She and I had a great R together, we had a loving M together, we made this beautiful S4 together. But her & I got lost somewhere. I found out where I was, buried under a pile of self-imposed struggle and I dug myself out, which took time. I think now I know where my loving W went. She is somewhere inside my WW. She shows up sometimes when I watch her play with our son and they smile honestly at each other, but then she gets sucked back into the WW if left out in the open for too long. The person I have been dealing with is not the woman I have always loved and most likely always will have some for. No, the person I have been dealing with is a WW and I won't let thoughts of that WW hurt me anymore. I forgive myself for what I have done and I how I have behaved. I have put in a great deal of work to atone for my faults and flaws. And today, I began to forgive the woman I fell in love with who is floating around somewhere in that WW, she must be hurting and really lonely in there. I hope that lovely woman wake's up when she hears the scrambling of a WW who realizes that this LBS turned the lights on and that a WW is just not very attractive to him anymore.
Not sure where this goes for me, but today I feel good. Thanks everyone for your brutal truths, frank words, and honest commentary - its all in loving kindness.