A couple of posters have asked me to check in on you and read your thread.
Of all of the posters only a small number have exposure to serious abusive behavioural issues in a partner. Sometimes that includes behaviour of in laws in dysfunctional families too.
I won't label your WH, but there are several very serious flags in his behaviour which concern me greatly, so I think it might be time to help you educate yourself on those and come to your own conclusions.
There is a big difference between abusive behaviour (which can arise as a result of situations or as a reaction) and the actions of those who have systemic abusive issues.
The former can be resolved in time and the latter likely will continue beyond the R.
Indeed we play a role in being abused, I do not vilify the target of abuse here just accept that we make our choice of partners and sometimes it requires great skill to navigate these tricky waters in S and D an abuser.
Next, yes Zues has a point too, sometimes it's too easy to label damaged Rs as abusive ones, when that may not be so. Victim mentality can be easy solution to escape anot M.
This sitch you find yourself in is likely exceptional. There are several posters here now and from the past whose sitches in my opinion involve severe abusive behaviour. In no order they are Greengrass, Schermann, Vanilla (me), Zelda, Mustardseed and Ancaire.
There are a couple more including Rosalinda who has posted to you and knows her stuff that acknowledge abuse. The list includes men and women, this isn't exclusively a female domains.
Zelda and I put together a couple of threads on abuse which I am going to provide a link. I am here to indicate to you where you can get some sense on your sitch and in my opinion this is one of the toughest journeys you are about to face.
You may be resisting your own nature on bonding with your abuser, by compartmentalising his actions there will be times when you will be drawn back in, only for the sweet cycle of abuse to start over and each cycle is usually worse.
The rage of systematic abusers when foiled is quite astonishing. My journey is there for you to read if you so choose, but know this abuse is in your life for a reason and great healing and extraordinary post traumatic growth can arise.
Dry drunks still have all of the issues of compulsion plus the anger because they may not have their self medication drug of choice (booze). The issues are still there. Please see that the protection of yourself and your safety as paramount and protecting it in whatever way is needed is nothing you must apologise for. It's the best thing you could have done, do not hesitate to do so again.
This is what I know from experience:
Abuse is hard to deal with when you see great things about your abuser and sometimes that's all you can see, other times it can be all bad and others balanced
Breaking away requires a series of spellbreaks
Keep a detailed abuse diary and if necessary record the abuse
Save everything safely away
Have at least one safe person in real life who will support you
You will tread water and that may be the best you can do for a long time
Your safety (and your children) comes first last and in the middle
List here the abuse history, Zelda found this useful as did I, putting it writing makes it tangible and somehow spellbreaks your thinking.
Resolve never to be abused again by anyone. My mantra was I will not be abused
I had specialist help from the freedom program (available online) to recognise abuse, and there are charities. Educate yourself and don't stop learning.
Twelve steps is amazing, for me Gamanon but there is a core in all of these programs. Twelve steps particularly steps 4 and 5 are so powerful in connecting to your higher power
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Please post to my thread and know you are with those here who have traversed some of these waters.
Systematic Abuse is not your fault, you did cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It's a waste to MC, mediate or placate an abuser. Setting boundaries is going to make the reaction worse too, as these get tested. If you need to do so validate the abuser until you can get away. These are my thoughts.
NVC is about two determined individuals wanting to get their communication right, an abuser abuses because they like it and abuse isn't about anger but control. NVC is likelying to trigger abuse. I tried it (amoung every tactic I could think of).
Your path may well be to cease engagement with your abuser and a possibility is grey rock.
Under no circumstances allow yourself to be triggered, I had my screaming banshee phase and it created great damage in me as a reactive abuse mechanism. Some abusers can use that phase against you.
Rosalinda is a powerful poster and I admire her very much. Greengrass called my sitch for me as abusive. And truly it is and sadly has deteriorated beyond anything I ever thought. So Chippie expect the worst, smears, triangulation, abuse tactics, sweet talk, everything under the sun. You won't be disappointed.
Keep posting, be authentic and the wonderful DB posters here will give you support. I honestly don't think I would be through my D without the amazing travellers on this board.
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
