Chapter 3. Let the detachment begin

[SH_]

I'll dig around and see where the posts are from sandi2. I know V's posts are in my threads and I have read it from sandi2 in several different places.

Keep researching and learning about detaching. I plan to make a detailed post about this as I have really been researching it myself.
A key thing that is coming to light is detaching has several meaning and some are good while others are not.
But my short point for now is look at detaching as a verb, not a noun.
It is an action, not a place, nor a feeling.
It takes effort.
Regular, focused, actionable effort, to be detached.
Think on that as you seek out information and answers. I really truly believe this is the key ingredient to being successful in every other aspect of Dbing.

[Rose888]

I agree with SH--I don't see disrespect in your wife's email. It was brief, but it explained the reason for the request and acknowledged that it might be a problem for you and implied (by telling you to let her know if it was a problem) that she was ultimately responsible for making arrangements.

And since we are giving out email credentials in this thread, I'm a professional writer in a corporate environment. I write and receive oodles of emails.

Your response, on the other hand, comes across as condescending, arrogant, and petty. I can't speak for your wife, but if someone spoke to me like that, I would respect them less than I had before the conversation.

I see many men on the board who seem to have a hard time figuring out how to be strong without being patronizing or controlling. It's obviously tricky to find the balance.

But, since you asked how you did, I'd suggest handling it differently next time.

[SH_]

Good morning and good new week my friend.

Just dropping by to see how bigy is doing.
How is work? The kids? The GAL?

Hope you have a good week.

[sandi2]

Just to clarify, wasn't your W (or maybe still is) involved in an EA?

Did you start calling her out on her show of disrespect when she was still living with you? Not that it's too late, I'm just trying to get a better picture. Is this email the first time you've actually approached her on the subject of her showing disrespect toward you?

[bigybiz]

Sandi2: Thanks for your post.

Yes, she was involved in an EA last year fromt the end of August to when I broke it up in the 1st week of December. (For new readers - I suspected it was a PA - asked her and asked her - she denied it. Then I started to snoop on her phone. Then I told her I had hired hackers to get to the bottom of it. Then she told me it was a friendship and not a PA. Neither of us knew what an EA was at the time. I then contacted him and told him he should not be have a secret flirty relationship with my wife. He dropped her like a stone. She was ticked.)

My route has been a little up and down.

In Jan we were in house Sep. My DB coach said build a friendship, invite her to be part of the family activities, etc.

Once I got onto the forum in Late Feb - I tried to make the transition to the Sandi2 tough love approach. I still let her eat cake and encouraged her to come to movies, eat out etc with us.

But, in the last few months my approach has been much more the Sandi2 approach. Even more so since she moved out at the end of May. So I was nice at first, when that did not work - I switched to being more direct.

I also, stopped asking her for her input on projects around the house and activities with the kids, etc. I just started doing them.

Now, I try and be more direct and not take as much nonsense. When she says "I'm busy" I say oh and "I'm not" followed by "be an adult and tell me when you will get abc done".

So I think I'm on the right path now.

Sandi2 - here is my big question - is my wife a WW (since her obsession with her new community and work is like an affair and she did have an EA) or is she a WAW since we had years of mutual neglect and she finally got a life and realized that things should be better. But, in the mean time alienated me and detached from her teenage kids.

Sandi2 - I'd love to hear your thoughts.

What is the right approach - build friendship, etc, etc or tough love? As it is my GAL is off the chart and the kids and I really are moving on without her. Even S10 see's mom more as a playdate then his mother these days.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2: Any thoughts? WAW/WW

[sandi2]

Sandi2 - here is my big question - is my wife a WW (since her obsession with her new community and work is like an affair and she did have an EA) or is she a WAW since we had years of mutual neglect and she finally got a life and realized that things should be better. But, in the mean time alienated me and detached from her teenage kids.

Whenever a woman walks away from her M, Kids, and home..........and she refuses to work with the H to save the M, it is usually b/c she has a wayward mindset. Even if she had left and took the kids with her.......it might have given a little room for some doubt......but when a mother leaves her kids behind (in cases such as yours), it is usually for selfish reasons. She's made new friends and had at least one A, that you know about, and walked away from her children. The selfishness and unwillingness is pretty obvious to me, but that's JMO. If you have not held back sharing some big reason that you know drove her out, and would cause her to leave the kids, then I, personally, can't see a just cause for her leaving. Some people do not tell the board everything they tell the coaches, so all we have are your posts.

What is the right approach - build friendship, etc, etc or tough love? As it is my GAL is off the chart and the kids and I really are moving on without her. Even S10 see's mom more as a playdate then his mother these days.

As I have previously stated, MWD does not destinguish the WW apart from the WAW. From what has been reported here, their advice is to build a friendship. So, you will have to make that decision for yourself, Bigy. Do what works.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

Thanks for your post and clarification. Yes, my W has a cold selfish heart right now. She blames me for everything and I'm astonished how detached she is from her kids, etc. Her obsession/addiction feeds her and that's the only thing that is important to her. From what I know, her new friends are telling her she deserves to be happy, I'm controlling her, etc.

I believe I've told everyone on the board everything. Yes, W will tell everyone who listens that I drove her out.

I'm guessing that my next step is to "Act As If", I'm going on without her. I will stop nagging her to get involved in the kid's life, I'll try and be more "clinical".

I'll need to not antagonize her (which I have done in the past). I'll try and be cool and removed. I'd hate for her to take any more drastic steps in response to what I just did or what is happening. Regular readers will remember we missed a mtg payment. The next day she was ready to sell the house. Lucky that has passed for now.

The hope will be that the more I "Act As If" I may eventually be ready to go on without her. This is going to be tough as my beliefs tell me that I made a vow to her for life (both this one and the next).

I've pretty much backed off on any kind of friendship building activities. I used to invite her to have meals etc with the family, once she told me she needed more space from me - I stopped.

I'll try and be more absent when she is here with the boys. If she shows me (what I believe to be) disrespect, I'll shut it down. I'll try and do things for me and not because it will get a reaction from her. As I've said before, if I benefit too - I still think it's a good thing i.e. house projects, family activities, etc.

Thanks - Sandi2 et al. I needed a boost. I was feeling a little lost.

[SH_]

How's it going bigy?

I wanted to swing by and see how you are doing?
How's that motorcycle doing? Getting some good riding in on it?

[bigybiz]

SH and any others who are watching.

I'm doing OK. Just S10 and I this week. Then S10 and S15 and I are on vacation. Heading to the Dominican Republic for a week.

W has not seen S15 all summer and it will be 3 weeks for S10. She send the odd email - does not really reach out. She is at a conference this week in Las Vegas - for her it's more of an orgy. Last year after telling me she is going (no consideration of the cost, impact on family or that I will have to take care of S10), she came home with an EA.

As you all know going dark is easy. Since we have sporadic contact the detachment goes up and down. Nonetheless, she runs through my brain all day, etc.

As Zuess said - I can't expect her to quit her addiction, if I can't quit mine.

I think the difference Zuess is: I'm trying she is not. I'm so happy with my GAL. I've built stronger relations with my children, etc, etc,

I know whatever happens is up to God and W. Still I move on slowly.

Most people around me see a different me. I look different, have new roles and responsibilities and most people like the fact that I got a motorcycle.

I have lots of house projects planned and work is going OK. I could always use more (of the right kind).

As you all know, my game plan is to act as if I've gone on without her and hopefully it will take hold.