Phase 2

[Pax_luv]

Ok. Now that I've settled a bit, I'm going to post some more.

This morning I was going to make a post about how I was "sensing" this next phase coming. I just knew it. Intuition is a powerful thing sometimes and lo and behold.... The conversation happened today.


I don't want to be divorced. At the same time, I truly have no desire to be married to this guy. I don't trust him. I don't respect him. I don't think he's honorable. I'm scared of the d because I'm so fearful of it getting ugly if I don't do what he suggests. I've gotten a hel1 of a lot stronger the last year... But I just don't want to fight with him. He still thinks everything is a wash and I essentially should just exit the m saying " thanks for the memories."

Our wedding anniversary is Sunday- should be 6 years. I can't believe it was 2 full years ago on our 4th anniversary that he looked at me and said, "if we're not pregnant in two months, there's no point in being married." I'll never ever ever forget the pain from hearing those words. I never felt so unloved in my entire life.

Any way, back to current state- I had coffee with a friend last weekend and we both were pleased with the progress I have made. She asked me, "so can you now look back and be happy that this happened? Are you there yet?" Without hesitation, I said, no. I know I have a ton more work to do and a lot to learn. I'm not there yet and i know it's still a ways off. She also asked if I would ever take h back and I honesty couldn't answer that.

Life is great. It really is. I'm active in the community, have really enhanced my relationships, stepped out of my comfort zone and been trying really hard to be an awesome human. It just bugs me that h still affects me emotionally. I don't know why I still give him that power.

I don't know. I'm just venting right now. Thinking sad thoughts about difficult things. Ugh.