Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, I'm sorry for the discoveries. I can remember making these too, and it is pretty brutal. And - though painful - they are also useful in terms of thinking about your own direction and helping you move forward.

I certainly agree with Painter in that he doesn't sound to be in a good place right now. He has been having some sort of contact with multiple women - cheated on at least two. He's lying (not just to you - perhaps to many) and he knows it. I would agree that he doesn't have anything good to offer you at this point and this is something I came to realise in my own sitch. What he had to offer right now wasn't something I wanted and I was better alone.

There are a couple of things I would encourage you to do. Firstly, once you have read the journal entries, delete them (or save them to a stick just in case.) But don't revisit them multiple times. You know his current state and that serves it's purpose. You don't need to see them again and again.

The other thing is - I do think your situation shouts midlife crisis. I'm sure I have posted this to you before and I would encourage you to read and understand what may be happening there. He sounds deep into replay at this point - ie: running behaviours (women, substance abuse etc.) to avoid facing dark places within. My H said he felt there was a void at the very centre of his soul soon after BD. I can see the compulsion to fill that with something that feels good. Reading Jim Conway's Men in Midlife Crisis helped me a great deal. It helped me to stand for our M, but now we are D, it has also helped me come to terms with the whole - What the heck happened here??!! Processing.

In terms of our R, I do feel it was a largely good one - but I didn't like the ending - which was brutal and painful. For a while, it was hard to think of anything associated with the M without pain. I do find that is improving now - though it can still be mixed.

I understand you choosing to file for D, and I think most people would understand your choice, given all circumstances. My XH made that choice for me, but financially I might have had to make that choice myself if more time had passed. Equally, I would say that who he is now is neither who he was or who he will become - if he is going through a mid-life crisis.

Regardless of what he does, it is important that we heal and grow ourselves through this experience. I think if we do both of these things, we will have done the best we can, given the cards we are dealt. And we can feel at peace with our part. As more time has passed, these things have become more important to me, and I think it is easier to do these things alone, but that's JMHO.

Anyway, do take care, take the time you need to recover from this experience and keep moving forwards my friend. Xx

[J5K]

Phoebe,

I am sorry about the discoveries. I agree, you have given him 20 years of a good marriage.

Just take it all in, process it and continue to heal.

We are here for you dear Phoebe.

(((Phoebe)))

[Phoebe]

Thank you to everyone for checking in on me and the words of encouragement. I'm doing OK. Actually I'm worried about a friend right now, and busy with the D process.

I actually filed for D at the beginning of June, a few days after I found out that WH had already filed for D himself in the other state. It was not something I was willing to do until I realized that he was already there, and had been for three weeks before I even got wind of it. There was no contact anymore at all, in fact he pointedly did not respond to my email asking what what going on.

At that point it was simply time to pull myself up by my bootstraps and start thinking about what strategy would be the best for myself long term, and that was to gain some leverage of my own. Up until this point, he has held all of the power and all of the cards. Getting him served first after all of this time rattled his cage, and gave a clear message that I am not a doormat to be walked all over. His L contacted mine almost immediately, after all these weeks of silent stalemate.

Sotto, I have thought WH was in MLC since the first days of this slow-motion train wreck, but it doesn't change any of the reality for me. He is what he is right now, and he is a walking liability in my life and one I need to be free of. I feel like he is just a few mis-steps away from finding himself living under a bridge, or even in jail if he is stupid enough to drive after his binges and hurts someone. His journal mentioned blacking out doing things he didn't remember. That is a huge red flag. He's a loose cannon who can drag me down with him as long as I am legally and financially linked to him.

If he loses his job, the one remaining aspect of stability and read of continuity in his life, he will have nothing left to anchor him. Unfortunately, he told a lot of lies there, too, so nothing there is guaranteed, either.

I'm done with his journal. I read through it twice a few days ago (it's less than 10 pages), printed it out for my T to read and help me sort out, and now I'm just putting it aside.

Painter, your thoughts really resonate, that I offered him what he was missing until he came to resent and blame me for those very strengths. It matches his behavior and the few things he has said since he walked away. Certainly that journal told me he is desperately trying to fill a huge void in himself in any way he can - drugs, alcohol, women, risky behavior, etc..

He's got his very own bearded ladies, monkeys, pink elephants, a three-headed dog, Heffalumps and Woozles, trapeze artists, clowns, lions and tigers and bears, oh my, and way the heck more than three rings in his frenetic one-man trying-to-fill-a-void-in-his-life circus. It's heartbreaking to know this is happening to someone I cared so much about, but it's all on him now. He either stops himself from going over the cliff edge entirely, or he doesn't.

What I do know is that I am not going down with him.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch... my birdies are outside doing the chicken thing and looking better every day. I am blown away by their resiliency. I want to be that tough when I grow up.

[Cherry]

Phoebe, you don't need to be amazed by the birds resilience- they've learnt it from you. You are a tough cookie. You've shown great strength after making these discoveries.

Your h really sounds like he is trying to fill a void or "find himself". But you are absolutely right, he is teetering on the edge of that cliff. And there's no way he's taking you down with him. I completely understand how hard it is to look at these walking timebombs and think they used to be our world. Some days when my h looks sad or lost, my reaction wants to comfort him. But then that's what I want to do, it's not them.

Apologies if I've rambled and it makes little sense. I'm on some heavy meds for sickness and very very drowsy

[Vanilla]

Phoebe

FB brought up a picture of my XWH and another of him and his RIT.

He looks old and tired.

I Google the picture of the happy couple in image match and it came up nearest match senior citizen.

That's what this behaviour does, and on OW and OM it hardens their look.

I had no reaction at all.

None, just mild relief at the indifference.

V

[SH_]

He's got his very own bearded ladies, monkeys, pink elephants, a three-headed dog, Heffalumps and Woozles, trapeze artists, clowns, lions and tigers and bears, oh my, and way the heck more than three rings in his frenetic one-man trying-to-fill-a-void-in-his-life circus. It's heartbreaking to know this is happening to someone I cared so much about, but it's all on him now. He either stops himself from going over the cliff edge entirely, or he doesn't.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch... my birdies are outside doing the chicken thing and looking better every day. I am blown away by their resiliency. I want to be that tough when I grow up.

Atta girl, his circus, his side shows, and oh my the cliff is looming large. Watch it. Cringe at the difficulty of the tricks and danger of the stunts. As painter mentioned, grab your popcorn watch it with passive interest and best and do what you need to live your life.

And I've said it a couple of times and I'll say it again. Phoebe, you are one tough chick, and those lil birdies of yours are following your footsteps. Not gonna be the other way around.
Name for your DB B&B
Tough Chicks B&B.

[Phoebe]

You guys are wonderful. It's so good to check in see you here.

Cherry, you make perfect sense, and you are also one tough cookie! I still don't know how you handle the daily interaction with your H. It must be incredibly difficult, but you just keep right on being your sassy self. I know that having WH so far away has kept me afloat.

Miss V, you are the detachment queen. I will also say that as our level of detachment grows, it follows that they become less attractive in our eyes.

And my lovely Sparrow Hawk, your words, as always make me smile. WH's antics are definitely cringe-worthy. I hope he saves himself from the cliff, but if he doesn't, I hope my ties are cut in time to salvage my own security. Then I can break out the popcorn. I don't wish him I'll, but I can't say I wish him well quite yet, either.

Today was a lovely day all around. I had a visit from a neighbor who dropped by for a couple hours and he is always good for a laugh, my parents came by to tend their gardens, and then L-friend came over for dinner, and I baked cookies!!! I love to bake, and this is only the third or fourth time I have done so since WH walked. Baking is yet another thing that makes me feel like myself again. I love sharing the things I make.

After L-friend headed out for the evening, I walked my fields in the moonlight, and it was amazing. The breeze was soft, the temperature was perfect, and the moon cast such a pretty light. The field I walked was freshly cut, so I was able to lay down and just watch the stars and the trees sway in the breeze. Insects were calling, and a few frogs made themselves heard. It was absolutely wonderful and it gave me so much peace, and I almost fell asleep. Every day I fall a little bit more in love with my little corner of the world.

Tomorrow I am going to a Native Anerican Dance and Music Festival with R-friend, and I'm really looking forward to it. She is good company and I've heard very good things about this festival.

On that note, it's 2:30 am and I need to hit the hay!

I wish you all a lovely night, and one filled with peace and stillness. I highly recommend walking on moonlit nights. There's nothing quite like it. Leave your flashlight at home and just go out and stroll.

[JksD]

Sweet dreams, Phoebe. Sounds like you've managed to pick yourself up after H's journal entries.

[Phoebe]

Today was a long and mostly OK day. I'm a wee bit low at the moment, but mostly because I am tired out.

I drove a lot of hours today in my GAL efforts, and it was super warm and humid today, so I'm just beat. I went to a Native American pow wow today, which was great. I bought myself a carved soapstone bear that was made by an artist in Ontario, and it's beautiful. I've always like Native art, and today I just bought the darn thing, and said to heck with the price. (That is SO not me...)Maybe I'll keep it, or maybe I'll give it to my brother for Christmas, but for right now, I'm just going to admire it.

After the festival, I had dinner with a friend, then met L-friend for a short bike ride because we ran out of daylight. It is another beautiful night, so we just sat on his tailgate and talked for a while. I just stopped to run an errand and am headed home shortly.

Tomorrow I have a bunch of D paperwork that I need to work on and have been seriously procrastinating. Ive been dreading the whole thing, really. I wish I could hire someone else to do it for me because I'm just not feeling up to such a big dose of reality, but it's me, myself, or I on this job. Yuck.

I'd better get moving so I can get to bed and then get to work. 'Night!

[SH_]

Phoebe!

((((HUGS))))

Keep on keeping on.
So much GAL!
Pace yourself on the paperwork. It's not going anywhere.
Take some alone time for yourself. But do it with uplifting activities and inward focus.

How are you coming on those Ted Talks? Ready for some new ones?

Sleep well my dear Phoebe. Sleep peacefully and pleasant dreams. Ya gotta keep dreaming.