Keeps getting worse, 180 not working

[EDF]

I had several sessions with phone coach, and it was very helpful, however it is worth being aware that the tactics recommended by the (excellent) phone coaches can vary from that recommended by the (excellent) community here, just as there are differences between individual members of the forums.

One of the big differences is many forum members suggest a different approach for Wayward spouses as opposed to "walk away" spouses where there is not another person involved. Michelle and phone coaches don't draw a big distinction there.

Like yours, my phone coach also suggested many of the things you listed, including focusing on the friendship to rebuild a solid base for the future, and that it was ok to have sex if the spouse seemed willing, etc.

I walked that path for a while. In some ways I felt things were improving, but I still also saw signs of being fundamentally disrespected by my WW. I had a very hard time reconciling the cognitive dissonance between the new-better-stronger independent me I was trying to create, and the me that was having sex with someone still in an EA.

The sex in particular was a double-edged sword for me. She was willing at times, but by me initiating it I never knew whether she really was interested or just went along with it because it was easier. There were also subtle differences like her avoiding eye contact and kissing, which made it much less fulfilling for me and was kinda screwing with me mentally and making it very hard to detach emotionally.

Ultimately my personal choice was to take a bit firmer of a stance than my phone coach was advocating and I have felt that was a more authentic approach for me. Even as I was adjusting my tactics, the phone coach was still very useful to me in hashing things out and handling specific situations. There were several times something came up and I was able to get an impromptu session with my phone coach even the same or next day. One session was at 11pm!