Did Not See It - But Should Have

[RDS]

A journal post I guess.

I’m committed to resurrecting my M and I know it’s a long and slow process; especially when my W hasn’t been happy for a very long time. We are talking years of her being unhappy (her words). I’ve got to earn her trust and get her to fall back in love with me if that’s possible. We talk rarely but when we do talk it’s for hours at a time. We normally talk about our history and the good times we had, and then how she was hurt by me over those same years.

But sometimes I have to wonder if it’s really worth it. I hate being in limbo. There is so much I want to do, especially house related, school related, and other long term plans. I don’t know what my financial situation is going to be so I’m hesitant about spending anything now because I may not have the money later. My W put me into this financial mess and she is still holding the keys to our financial lives. I can understand why so many people throw in the towel and say screw it. Getting a divorce isn’t the best plan, but at least it gives you a target you can at least work towards.

I don’t ever snoop on her, but the other day my D came home and mentioned something about “Mom posted something stupid on FB today”. My D didn’t really elaborate. I unfriended my W on BD date and I’ve never even considered checking her FB page. She rarely posted on FB anyway. She normally used my FB to follow friends and our D.

I had a couple of old bogus FB accounts I had set up years ago when my W and I played FB games. I hadn’t checked them in years and it took me some time to figure out the log in information. My W is still “friends” with my bogus accounts so I was able to look at her page. The post my daughter mentioned was a Meme my W posted a couple of days ago. It said something along the lines of, “Emotional abuse is worse than broken bones because broken bones heal, but a broken mind never heals”. Naturally she had multiple likes and the comments were along the lines of, “Word, You got that right!, I totally agree!, etc.” All the people who commented and liked her post were her friends and all the ones I know have been divorced at least once and some multiple times so I know where my M’s ear is turned daily.

There was another Meme my W posted just 2 days before the BD. It was along the lines of," Sometimes, you just have to turn around and throw a match on the bridge and watch it burn”.

Both of the posts hurt me, but the one about the emotional abuse and never healing from it really punches a hole in my heart. I get it I caused a lot of pain to her over the years, but she created a lot of that herself. I’m not going to mention any of this to my W. I’m still going to be the one who is to blame and I will still validate and empathize with her as best I can, but when I see stuff like that does she think there is even a chance she can get over the hurt I caused her?

I do know if my W isn’t careful she may damage her relationship with our D that could take years to repair. It’s already being stretched thin as it is. My D is calling my W a hypocrite for the way she is acting. My W always taught my D to be strong and independent and don’t rely on someone for your happiness or well-being. She says my W begging for money and crying about how hard it is for her and how unhappy she was for so many years flies in the face of everything my W taught our D. My D is getting resentful towards her and it’s starting to manifest towards me and I don’t like that at all.

I'm in a better situation that I was months ago and for the most part I do well for a few days, but then I wake up and I can't shake her out of my mind. I know just about everyone here can relate but I want it to stop now.